The Gunslinger Top 25
Your #1 High Noon Poll
The World’s Highest-Ranked Gunslingers
in
the Year of Our Gunslinger, 2024
Brett Favre
Again. And again. This is the 3rd year in a row this great gunslinger has earned the Top Gunslinger spot in the world. Weak, ignorant, non-whiskey-informed minds might find it hard to think of another time when someone has earned the top spot of something so important 3 times in a row–-but it’s not difficult; we need not go all the way back to FDR because the answer is Brett Favre, who won the NFL MVP in 1995, 1996, and 1997. But like FDR, Brett Favre serving more than 2 terms as the world’s Top Gunslinger and thus leader of the free world is going to stir controversy and cause calls for term limits. The Federal Trade Commission is also likely to weigh in with accusations of unfair competition methods and cries of monopoly, thus calling to break up Brett Favre’s stranglehold on this position just like they broke up the phone company in 1982. So if you didn’t realize the world is going to unfortunately get messy in the near future with controversial things happening, it will: you heard it here first. #Don’tBlameTheMessenger Favre’s three-peat in this Prestigious Poll is actually a greater achievement than his 1990s NFL MVPs not only because of this Prestigious Poll’s inherent superior prestige, but also because Brett Favre had to share his 1997 MVP with fellow NFL Hall of Famer and esteemed gunslinger Barry Sanders. But on this great and definitive Gunslinging Poll, Brett Favre shares the top spot with no one, just as he stood alone at the top in 2023 and 2022. We are seeing success by Favre in the field of Gunslinging that shrinks Michael Jordan’s basketball achievements and Tom Brady’s football accomplishments to that of Muggsy Bogues and Jack Emanuel “Soupy” Shapiro, respectively. It is ever-appropriate that Favre climbed the gunslinging ladder on the famed Frozen Tundra of Lambeau Field because he has successfully ushered us into the Common Gunslinger Era (C.G.E.) with him on top just as the Packers ushered us into the Super Bowl Era (modern society) with them on top. But despite the fanfare we have just provided him, Brett Favre needs no introduction. Because the only way you haven’t heard of Brett Favre already is if you haven’t caught one of his touchdowns or interceptions, haven’t had your money stolen by him as a hungry child, or haven’t received a dick pick in a text message from him. That leaves very little of the human population left. So if you don’t know of him by now, you will never, never, never know him–-like the song, but much harder, like an erect penis in a text message, hard to swallow like being a Minnesota Vikings fan trying to stomach the hard fact that Brett Favre has the uncontrollable gunslinger impulse to throw across his body at the end of the 2009 NFC Championship Game you have all but wrapped up with a field goal if he just throws an incomplete pass. Favre’s decision to not back down and play it safe may have cost longtime fans of the purple and gold the only chance in their lifetime to see a Super Bowl victory, but it helped Favre secure his spot atop this Poll once again. To not put Favre here would be to end these rankings’ credibility and spur allegations of systemic tampering and procedural corruption. For Favre is what academics have called—in more clandestine scholarly unpublished publications—”the Charles Darwin of Gunslinging.” So we tip our cap to you Favre, and give you the respect your deserve—but not our cell phone numbers, for obvious reasons.
Antonio Brown
A gunslinger with a million-dollar smile, a multimillion-dollar smile actually. For years, this gunslinger fooled the world about his true gunslinger nature, keeping it veiled behind that endearingly wholesome smile. In other words, people just thought he was a happy-go-lucky great wide receiver destined for Canton and didn’t realize the whole time he was plotting behind your back how to ejaculate on your back; and so the Other Internet could not stop themselves from making highlight reels and Top Ten Lists of his great gridiron feats, including iconic moments in Pittsburgh Steelers history, such as The Immaculate Extension where AB helped Santa cap off Christmas 2016 by delivering the gift of an AFC North title with the 10-point 4th quarter comeback against the Baltimore Ravens, probably marking the pinnacle of AB’s untarnished popularity in Pittsburgh and beyond. But there is a not a smile in existence anywhere of any quality great enough to contain such great gunslinging. As the calendar turned from 2016 to 2017 and the regular season turned into the postseason, AB’s private gunslinging turned public with his 2017 Facebook Live-In-The-Locker-Room Moment, a seminal event that created a paradigm shift in gunslinging—and thus global—history. But even after that January 2017 breakthrough incident, that smile was still able to hold things together as Brown compiled back-to-back 100-catch seasons for a record-setting 6 consecutive seasons with more than 100 snags of the ‘ole pigskin. The secret to his success? Semen retention. But then the gunslinging came roaring through in unprecedented ways and the Other Internet went crazy making timelines and whatnot trying to detail and explain things (in AB’s world) without ever using the proper term “gunslinger.” All of the farting on doctors and tossing furniture out of windows culminated in the ultimate gunslinging moment when AB took his jersey off midgame, walked right off of the playing field, right out of the NFL, and right onto the Gunslinger Rankings. The fact that such inspiring High Noon work was inspired by another great gunslinger himself, Kodak Black, through his seminal gunslinging song “Super Gremlin,” makes it difficult for AB to stay ahead of Kodak Black in these rankings. Yet AB does. Just as one must exercise and eat well to maintain a nice physique after first attaining it, so too does a great gunslinger have to maintain their craft; not completely unlike a Class A driver must renew their credentials to continue operating trucks or other large machinery, so too must a Class A gunslinger keep their certifications up-to-date with constant trainings. And so AB goes and gets a sweet treehouse built and makes a bunch of gunslinging Twitter posts to help maintain the gunslinging post he’s built here near the top of the only list on the internet worth the Squarespace space it’s published on. AB’s Tweets are so gunslinging, in fact, the Other Internet is going crazy making Top Ten Lists of his Tweets. Even with all his great gunslinging accomplishments, AB still has a high gunslinging ceiling yet. In fact, one must exit their home, go outside on a clear day, and look up to see all of the possibilities for AB as a gunslinger. This is not pie in the sky nonsense. The reality is, for AB as a gunslinger, the sky is the limit… Or is it Brett Favre? Or are Brett Favre and the sky one in the same when the clock reads High Noon?
Kodak Black
Calm down Michigan! We can already hear the uproar coming from Ann Arbor that this spot does not belong to Jim Harbaugh. We do not, incidentally, hear the uproar coming from Los Angeles as they may not yet realize Harbaugh is the head coach there or that they themselves are even Chargers fans (citation: crowds at Chargers home games) or even that the Chargers have moved to Los Angeles from San Diego. In an effort of appeasement to this great Harbaugh posse of supportive gunslingers, we offer the carrot and have decided to let it slip, like the great leaks of old that helped the investigative reporters of old, that Harbaugh will soon appear on these great rankings of new. But we also must defend ourselves against these fervent Wolverine faithful who have Harbaugh’s back wherever he may be by presenting the stick of gunslinger reasoning why Kodak Black deserves this healthy ranking with much more transparency and thoroughness than the controversy-creating but then cowardly-controversy-dodging non-gunslinging BCS committees of old. You simply cannot tell the story of gunslinging history without including Kodak Black. See, we just listed Antonio Brown’s great gunslinging credentials, which go well beyond what we could even fit above; and Kodak Black inspired AB’s greatest gunslinging moment: perhaps even a more iconic gunslinging moment than even the great Brett Favre ever put forth. It happened as follows. In 1984, Warner Bros. Pictures released the classic gunslinging Christmas movie Gremlins; a student of history, Kodak Black, watched that movie (or at least became aware of it) and in 2021 made a song better than the movie’s sequel: “Super Gremlin”; Antonio Brown listened to that song and then in January of 2022 was inspired to walk off the field in the middle of a game against the Jets. In other words, Kodak Black is a gunslinger pioneer. It’s just like history class where you did not have to write the book on Ancient Rome, you just had to read it—or, if you had a more forward-thinking teacher, you just had to read past Gunslinger Polls where you could learn more about Kodak Black’s gunslinging success in 2022 and 2023. But it’s not just history class: if you thought calculus class was hard, just be glad Newton invented calculus so you did not have to; you just had to learn what already was created for you. But it is not just in the classroom where The Kodak Black Effect* has helped make everything easier for humankind moving forward. You don’t have to go outside in a lightning storm with a key on a kite and experience mild electrocution to have electricity; you just have to flip the switch to gain enough light to read these enlightening Polls while the rest of your family ignorantly sleeps. You don’t have to become an NFL quarterback, play for a New York team, and send everyone you know dick picks to realize the Big Apple has a lot of media with many reporters who find out stuff because Brett Favre already did that for you (see above); you just have to not play quarterback for a New York NFL team or not send a dick pick—or have zero gunslinger ambition. You don’t have to invent the wrap sandwich because Gunslinger Bobby Valentine already did (see below); you just have to eat it. You don’t have to invent the combustion engine; you just have to learn how to drive the car and hope Detroit doesn’t screw up the auto industry again, causing it to take a long time to get the car you want or the part you need for the car you already have. Similarly, give respect to Kodak Black for creating the holster from which AB could sling from come High Noon. #Progress #Gratitude #CaseClosed #ThankYouForYourMakingGremlinsSuper,KodakBlack #ThankYouForYourPatience,Michigan
Jim Harbaugh
See Michigan, Harbaugh gets his due. No need to think we are corrupt like the NCAA and get your whole university to act against us and file a lawsuit; no need to think we lack integrity like the Big Ten fat cats and get your state government to act against us. Every gunslinger gets a fair shake in this Prestigious Poll. And Harbaugh is one of the best in his field, a craft that can take time to properly hone. As he himself put it: “You can’t plant potatoes one day and expect to eat potato salad the next day.” These wise culinary words of articulate gunslinger Jim Harbaugh could be applied to gunslinging as well: “You can’t plant a gun one day and expect a gunslinger to sprout by High Noon the next day.” You just don’t become a gunslinger overnight. Harbaugh embodies these important agricultural lessons as he started his gunslinger ascension at the truest gunslinging position: quarterback, tossing the rock around both in Chicago and Indianapolis, where he unexpectedly led the underdog Colts within a dropped Hail Mary of the Super Bowl. He continued climbing the gunslinger ladder as a cranky coach successful at Stanford, San Francisco, and Michigan; he burned bridges–-and NCAA rules–-along the way. Very respectable because no one ever heard of the great gunslingers of old in the Old Wild, Wild West adhering to the NCAA regulations–-not shooting someone or not spying on someone (simply being vigilant, in gunslinger terms)–-because some suit smoking cigars with other fat cats in an NCAA executive office said it was against the rules. In true gunslinger fashion, Harbaugh now bounces on to the next job with the Los Angeles Chargers, appropriately moving back out west, where gunslingers belong, to mentor talented gunslinger hopeful Justin Herbert. If you don’t think that has the makings of an Old Western movie, you have not yet consumed enough whiskey. How well Harbaugh is able to increase Herbert’s success in touchdowns and interceptions will do a lot to determine how much further Harbaugh can climb up these prestigious rankings and possibly surpass Kodak Black or Antonio Brown (Brett Favre will likely be impossible to pass by The Year of Our Gunslinger, 2025). Only time–-and touchdowns and interceptions–-will tell. If Harbaugh does continue up the rankings and surpass great gunslingers like AB, he will certainly want to watch his back.
NBA on TNT Studio Crew
The host is Ernie Johnson. His center saddle mate is Kenny Smith. But the gunslinger anchors are the bookends of Shaquille O’Neal and Charles Barkley. Barkley never declared, “I am not a gunslinger.” Because he is. But Barkley did famously declare, “I Am Not a Role Model” who should raise your kids. That is partially true. While he should not raise your kids by himself as you yourself should be included in that process with some input, Barkley is a great gunslinger role model. Barkley has partaken in so many antics, the Other Internet has felt the need to compile lists of such escapades, as the Other Internet is often compelled to do. And this does not even include his love for gambling, a quintessential gunslinger trait (citation: Poker; Hickok, Wild Bill). Shaq is a funny dude. He has an understated, dry sense of humor we respect. He has a tactic that is a little bit like another longtime gunslinger, Dolly Parton, in the sense they kind of “play dumb” to disarm the audience when in actuality they are quite brilliant people. In addition to humor, Shaq also brings the power. While Barkley is always near the top of the discussion for best NBA players without a championship ring, something Shaq constantly reminds Barkley of, Shaq has some incredible NBA Finals moments on his way to 4 rings. When these two great gunslingers get together on TNT, the gunslinging fireworks are truly explosive. Both are accomplished gunslingers in their own right, and really should have made previous Polls on their own had the Poll makers not been drinking whiskey while constructing the Polls. But when these two great gunslingers partner up–-in true gunslinger fashion–-they jump quite high up on this great list, the only list ever worth reading (other than previous Prestigious Gunslinger Polls). If they do ever decide to break up–-as Old Wild West gunslinging partners sometimes have been known to do–-they should individually still make these rankings. How Kenny Smith and Ernie Johnson complement this gunslinging crew is something to be studied and discussed in collegiate classrooms and at academic conferences for epochs to come. Great guest gunslingers like Draymond Green also help round out this ever evolving and high-achieving gunslinging posse.
Shohei Ohtani
Man, has this been a big year for Shohei Ohtani or what?! A major elbow injury would be a major setback for most gunslingers. But not this guy. Rather than wallow in his elbow-injury sorrow, he decided to pull himself up by his gunslinging bootstraps, sign a $700 million-dollar contract with the Dodgers, and figure out another platform other than the pitching rubber to launch himself up these rankings. And what’s a favored pastime of the Old Wild, Wild West? Gambling (citation: Poker; Hickok, Wild Bill; Barkley, Charles). Ohtani’s interpreter Ippei Mizuhara has been gambling with Ohtani’s money at least as far back as 2021. Why keep your gunslinging a secret and be either kept off Prestigious Polls like you were in 2022 or relegated to #14 gunslinger in the world (still quite an honor, but below your generational gunslinging talent potential) as you were in 2023? Go public, like corporations do, and drive up your gunslinging profits–-not measured in traditional monetary metrics, to be clear, as this great gambling escapade cost Ohtani large amounts of internationally-recognized official currency; but rather we are talking about the currency of the respect gained by climbing this Prestigious Poll, something you clearly can’t put a dollar amount on (citation: Ohtani’s interpretive actions). It was genius of Ohtani to hire an interpreter that was also such a great gunslinging gambler (in terms of placing wagers—not winning them), evidently the criteria Ohtani used when choosing him over other candidates fluent in English, Japanese, and the phrase “play it safe,” a term Mizuhara is unfamiliar with in Japanese or English. Though the premier gunslinger translation watchdog services believe Mizuhara can translate the word “gunslinger” in at least 45 languages and an unconfirmed number of dialects. By the way, Ohtani was the unanimous 2023 American League MVP, the second time he has won the award in the last three seasons. By choosing the right gunslinging translator, Ohtani has finally been able to translate his success on the diamond to a place it actually matters: on this this Poll.
Eli Manning
The fact he outgunslung (defeated) the all-time great quarterback and all-time terrible gunslinger, Tom Brady, a guy who would not know a poor decision or a drink of whiskey if it hit him in the face, makes it hard to ever take Eli Manning off this list. He literally takes “go big or go home” to heart when it comes to winning with all of Manning’s 8 playoff wins coming in his 2 Super Bowl-MVP-winning-and-Tom-Brady-besting seasons. The first of which featured an all-time great gunslinging performance which we must take time to give thanks for here. Just after Thanksgiving of 2007, when Americans sat around their dining room tables and told family members which gunslingers they were most thankful for, Manning showed his thanks to faithful followers by tossing 3 pick-sixes against Minnesota as part of a 4-interception campaign on November 25, 2007. This performance occurred at home, nonetheless, in New York, a place so many gunslingers have never been able to handle the scrutiny of. While East Rutherford is not technically in New York, it is even farther from the fertile tumbleweed-and-gunslinger-producing Western soils. Despite being so far removed from his natural gunslinging habitat of the Wild West, Manning went on to win a Super Bowl that very same pick-six-centric year and play his whole career in New York, which began with his gunslinging move of leaving San Diego at the altar on Draft Day. Manning knew his gunslinging worth and has justified such a courageous act through his performance over 16 NFL seasons. Eli is still top-ten in career pick-sixes thrown with 22. While he never did catch all-time leader Brett Favre in that category, or career interceptions, or consecutive starts as a quarterback, he is the only quarterback to pose a serious threat to Brett Favre in all three of those great gunslinger categories: the most-coveted Triple Crown in all of sports. With a gee-golly-willikers attitude and a disarming personality, this unassuming gunslinger may be one of those most dangerous of them all. In fact, he specifically is the 7th most dangerous of them all, at least that is so in The Year of Our Gunslinger, 2024.
The NFL Draft
People say apple pie is quintessentially American. That may be so. But the NFL Draft has overtaken apple pie in that quintessential department because we have never seen over 700,000 people eat up an apple pie, but we have seen over 700,000 eat up an NFL Draft as over 700,000 attended in Detroit, a city with a population of under 700,000. With over 50 million viewers, the NFL Draft has become such an important event that it blows other competitive events–-like apple pie-eating contests and the NHL and NBA playoffs–-out of the ratings water, relegating them to second-grade thoroughfares for their gunslinging sideshow showdowns, like some off-Broadway gunslinging production. The NFL Draft has gotten so big that we hope nefarious actors are not reading this Poll and decide to attack the United States during a future NFL Draft as we are clearly at our weakest with half the military at the Draft doing flyovers and photo-ops and the entire country drunk, including those with important responsibilities like calculating Gunslinger Polls. How has the NFL Draft reached such heights? The same way one does anything successful in this world, like successfully reaching the heights of the High West: gunslinging. Over the years, the NFL Draft has slowly and steadily been increasing the pageantry until they made a big jump in 2021 with Kings of Leon opening up the spectacle that temporarily put an end to the Covid Pandemic, as the country and world so-badly needed the NFL Draft that many pandemic restrictions were lifted before, during, or after the Draft. The magic continued with magicians pulling rabbits out of hats the following year in Vegas for the Draft. In 2023, Fall Out Boy, Mötley Crüe, and Thundercat headlined the NFL Draft Concert Series, putting other music festivals on notice. Finally, this year, The Year of Our Gunslinger, 2024, it become too much for us to ignore when they introduced the Draft with gunslingers like Barry Sanders and Eminem, who may attack us in a diss song for leaving him off of Gunslinging Polls, which we wouldn’t fault him for doing, but we do mention his name here out of a sign of respect and the hope that he may go a little easy on us. The gunslinger potential has always been evident with the NFL Draft; just like an NFL Draft prospect showing flashes of greatness on the gridiron, we could briefly see glimpses of brilliance in the crystal ball predicting the Draft’s great gunslinging future when Commissioner Paul Tagliabue mispronounced now-legendary gunslinger Brett Favre’s name in 1991 or Mel Kiper got into a feud with Colts GM Bill Tobin in 1994. But now the NFL Draft has matured and harnessed its once-raw, God-given gunslinging talent into consistent high-level gunslinging–-almost an oxymoron because of the incongruency of gunslinging and consistency, a paradoxical dynamic for philosophers to deeply examine in this millennium to get their field back on the map as they have definitely faded in prominence since they had the stranglehold on earlier millennia like whatever millennium it was when Socrates and Aristotle were running around garnering fame and philosophical fortune. It looks like the NFL Draft has a stranglehold on this millennium, The Millennium of the Gunslinger, where you can now even gamble on individual NFL Draft picks! Oh, how the Common Draft Era (C.D.E.) and the Common Gunslinger Era (C.G.E.) are becoming more and more synonymous. Thank you Brett Favre (pronounced in the style of Paul Tagliabue).
Pete Rose
Here’s a guy that probably had some action on the NFL Draft, and needed to go no farther than his freezer, where he was known to keep stacks of cash so they would be preserved and ready for gambling on baseball and his career. The King of Coolant also happens to be the all-time Hit King, helping power Cincinnati’s gunslinging Big Red Machine, ahead of its time in prioritizing offense over pitching, which baseball would finally learn about in the 1990s with steroids and home runs, proving that while hitting a lot of singles and getting to first base may be cute in middle school and high school, grown chicks dig the longball. With 3,215 singles dwarfing his paltry 160 career home runs, Rose realized he needed to do more to impress fully-grown adults with fully-developed prefrontal cortexes and matured minds to gain the prestige of appearing on this Prestigious Poll. So keeping in line with the great gunslinging tradition of old—gambling (citation: Poker; Hickok, Wild Bill; Barkley, Charles; Mizuhara, Ippei)—Pete Rose made the wise gunslinging investment of losing almost half of a million dollars during a three-month betting spree in 1987. Then in 1988, keeping in line with the old Cincinnati tradition of public figures forgoing the cash in their freezer for the more traceable currency of checks dating back to then-future-gunslinging-mayor-to-be Jerry Springer using checks to pay for prostitutes, Rose used a check to pay his gambling debts, thus leaving a paper trail which ultimately got him caught, ruined his baseball career, and proved he was way ahead of his time as now everyone gambles on sports. While such forward thinking cost him a plaque in Cooperstown, it earned him a spot on this list, so the gamble obviously paid off–-in huge ways as the odds were stacked against him when he decided to lay down those wagers in the gunslinging-and-gambling-(but not cocaine)-repressed 1980s. If we look at just inflation alone, $500,000 dollars in 1988 is now worth $1,325,224.01 at the time of this Prestigious Poll’s prestigious publication and increasing every day. Again, that’s just inflation. That doesn’t include high-yielding investments like high-yielding savings accounts, long-term certificates of deposit, long-term corporate bond funds, or gunslinging currency. As we transition this mixed-methods study of this great gunslinger from the quantitative results to the qualitative, the nickname “Charlie Hustle” may be argued by intoxicated linguists and intoxicated non-linguists alike to be a synonym of “gunslinger”--though naturally a weaker match than other synonyms of gunslinger like “Brett Favre.” Perhaps Charlie Hustle’s highest of High Noon moments came in the bottom of the 12th inning of the 1970 All-Star Game when he barreled over Ray Fosse, separating his shoulder, to win the contest for the National League. Rose refused to apologize for that, or any other mistake he would ever make in his life as one should never have to apologize for their gunslinging nature, and would continue to play until he was a crusty old veteran gunslinger of 45, along the way overtaking the previous noted Hit King, gunslinger, and jerk Ty Cobb in those 3 categories, earning Rose baseball’s alternative Triple Crown and a prestigious spot on this Prestigious Poll.
Shoeless Joe Jackson
Before there was coolant to power freezers filled with cash, before rising Cincinnati politicians used checks to pay for sexual relations, before there was Pete Rose, before there was a moderately popular singer/songwriter named Joe Jackson, there was Shoeless Joe Jackson. Such a gunslinger that he worried not about the ergonomic benefits of footwear popular for millennia and ditched his shoes in a mill game to earn his popular nickname, Shoeless Joe. He boasted a .356 career batting average when he was banned from baseball following the Black Sox Scandal, a wild event that ushered in the Roaring 20s, which were a blast (citation: Gatsby, The Great). But, according to the dictionary, the Black Sox Scandal could easily be more accurately and more positively referred to as the Black Sox Showdown because showdown is first defined as “the laying down of one's cards, face upward, in a card game, especially poker.” Like they say, “one man’s scandal is another man’s gunslinging” as gambling is a cornerstone of gunslinger behavior (citation: Poker; Hickok, Wild Bill; Barkley, Charles; Mizuhara, Ippei; Rose, Pete). Unfortunately, not everyone is educated and reads these Polls (citation: illiteracy rates). So rather than be grateful that Jackson and his teammates allowed the Cincinnati Reds to win the 1919 World Series, Southwestern Ohio native and baseball commissioner Kenesaw Mountain Landis–-noted bigot, egomaniac, guy with a weird name, and anti-gunslinger backward-thinker who lacked the foresight Southwestern Ohio would become a haven for gambling and prostitution (citation: Rose, Pete 1986; Springer, Jerry 1974)–-banned Jackson from baseball for life. One might think that when Jackson’s life ended in 1951, the lifetime ban would also have ended because of the fact Shoeless Joe’s lifetime was over. But the ban curiously continued. Yet the great gunslinger did not die from the public view, with Bernard Malmud’s famous 1952 novel The Natural introducing Roy Hobbs, a character with many elements of Jackson, which was later made in the 1984 hit film with the same name, starring Robert Redford, who let’s say also had many elements of Jackson. But Jackson was still not done resurrecting his gunslinging-self; in 1989, he literally walked out of the Iowa cornfields to play ball with Kevin Costner in Field of Dreams, a gunslinging story where a dad literally bets the farm and risks the wellbeing of his family to satisfy voices in his head while the antagonist bad guy jerk is the brother-in-law advising him to not do this seemingly insane thing that could leave his family destitute and starving, possibly eventually seeking checks from Jerry Springer just to put food on the table. Shoeless Joe [First Came] to Iowa when W.P. Kinsella wrote the book in 1980 and now Jackson comes to this Gunslinger Poll, more exclusive than the multitude of Iowa cornfields, and even more exclusive than a certain organization in Cooperstown whose 346 members dwarf the much smaller number that have ever graced these Prestigious Polls, making the accomplishment of being honored here greater than the accomplishment of being honored in rural New York. And we are proud to declare here that, after much consult with the voices in our head powered by real-life whiskey, Kenesaw Mountain Landis not only has a lifetime ban from Gunslinger Polls but also a ban for all eternity from Gunslinger Polls. In other words, Shoeless Joe has gotten the last laugh. He gambled on gunslinging–-and won. He was probably off-base with his stance on shoes though. Those are still widely popular.
Marc-André Fleury
On February 2nd in the Year of Our Gunslinger, 2024, Western PA legend Punxsutawney Phil brought smiles to the faces of little boys and girls and youthened the hearts of their elders when he announced an early spring in lieu of six more weeks of winter. On April 17th in Year of Our Gunslinger, 2024, the faces of little boy and girl-aspiring gunslingers were brightened with smiles and the hearts of adult gunslinger-enthusiasts youthened when it was announced the gunslinging of Western, PA legend** Marc-André Fleury would extend into the 40th year of his life as he signed a one-year extension with the Minnesota Wild. In immediately honoring and living up to the moment, Fleury lost his start the very next night in thus completing the season losing six out of his last seven right after recording his 75th career shutout, a mark of inconsistency which is the mark of the gunslinger profession and the hallmark of Fleury's remarkable career. Already second all-time in career regular season wins, Fleury’s shrugging off of retirement just as he has shaken off miscues throughout his career now leaves the door open for him to eventually flirt with the 600-win mark. In a gunslinging career filled with highs and lows, Stanley Cup wins and Stanley Cup benchings, Fleury has smiled and played pranks through it all. A true gentleman and scholar (of pranks), Fleury is more than an inconsistently good goalie who yearns to follow-up a shutout by allowing 7 goals on 19 shots and getting pulled in the second period; Fleury is a good guy. A gunslinger with a positive attitude and a glint in his eye. A gunslinger who never runs back into a hole to hide from the world (no offense meant to Punxsutawney Phil, certainly the all-time top gunslinger among meteorologists; we are simply taking things full literary circle here). Fleury is not a fair-weather gunslinger who can only sling in perfect conditions. Fleury is one of those greats who continues his craft regardless of if it's summer, spring, winter, or fall, whether or not spring comes early or it remains winter; regardless of what season the calendar tells us it is, it’s gunslinger season for Mr. Fleury. Another good-guy gunslinger like Eli Manning would make a great gunslinging partner (citation forthcoming: gunslingingpartnermatch.com).
Nolan Ryan
This flamethrowing gunslinger is the all-time Major League leader in strikeouts with 5,714. No one else even has 5,000. He is also the all-time leader in no-hitters with 7. The next closest is Sandy Koufax with 4. He is also the all-time leader at beating up Robin Ventura, accomplishing the feat on August 4th, 1993. Many gunslingers and non-gunslingers alike are tied at second on the list with 0 times beating up Robin Ventura, who was 26 at the time. Ryan was 46 and spurred the confrontation with the final of his 158 career hit batters, a mark flamethrowers like Roger Clemens would require steroids to just barely surpass with 159. After winning the decision in the brawl against Ventura, Ryan would go on to pitch seven innings that day and win the game on his way to earning a Hall of Fame plaque and a spot on this Prestigious Poll. He did all of this while never winning a Cy Young and barely staying above .500 with a .526 career win percentage. But there is no “barely” about his gunslinging credentials. The gunslinging stories of this crusty-old gunslinger are legendary and endless, including the 1990 showdown with fellow gunslinger Bo Jackson that left Ryan with a bloody lip and the Rangers with a victory after Ryan stayed in the game for 7 strong innings, a recurring theme for this gunslinger: pitching 7 innings after taking a shot to the face, a true gunslinging quality start that is rarer and rarer in baseball nowadays. The Ryan Express quickly gets you to your destination; and today that is the world’s 12th greatest gunslinger in The Year of Our Gunslinger, 2024.
2Pac
2Pac once said something to the effect of “I was high and drunk when I wrote and recorded my songs because I knew people would be high and drunk when they listened to them.” This could be adapted to: “I was a gunslinger when I wrote my songs because I knew people would be gunslingers when they listened to them.” While 2Pac famously had Thug Life tattooed on his chest, he had Gunslinger tattooed on his soul. 2Pac slung tracks in the studio, known to write and record song after song after song in the same studio session as his goal to record All Eyez on Me in 7 days has been used as a core example in articulating the Tupac Method. While it’s true the Tupac Method did result in a little repetition in his rhymes and themes at times, it also resulted in him becoming the greatest rapper ever and the most beloved artist on this, the Sweeter of Internets. His greatness outshines even his gunslinging, some of which quite unfortunately transpired too literally, culminating in 2Pac’s tragic death in 1996. 2Pac, a fan of Shakespeare, unfortunately became a bit too much of a Shakespearian character himself with his premature death. He is number 13 on this list, but #1 in our hearts and on the list of greatest rappers of all time. Join us in not only celebrating him here, but also his music every Friday, a day of the week which is a short for 2Pac Friday. As such, 2Pac is not only the first rapper to have two No. 1 albums in the same year, he is also the first rapper to have a day of the week named after him.
Jaromír Jágr
In NHL history, this legendary gunslinger is second all-time in points, third all-time in wrist shot greatness based on gunslinging math, and 4th all-time in goals. In other words, this gunslinger knew how to light up the lamp. And all of this was accomplished while playing in the lowest-scoring NHL era in memory and missing years in the NHL by the gunslinging move of literally shipping himself off to Siberia where frigid temperatures could not cool off his gunslinging as he became a 3-time KHL All-Star and most notable gunslinger to ever lace up the skates and wield the gunslinging stick for the Avangard Omsk. This international gunslinger has rode the wave of globalization to eclipse historical gunslingers like Gordie Howe, as just this year, The Year of our Gunslinger, 2024, Jagr passed Howe for oldest pro hockey player/oldest on-ice gunslinger in recorded human history, playing for the Czech team he owns as he follows in the footsteps of player/owner/gunslinger legend Mario Lemieux. For most gunslingers drowning among the slow-wristed hoi polloi masses, this gunslinging-at-any-age feat that youthened the world’s spirits would have been enough. But we are talking about the best of the best here, a man who can take the historically-viewed delicate activity of tea drinking and transform it into a gunslinging activity, sipping on his tea like a boss during NHL practices. These global elite gunslingers will simply not rest on their laurels or accept holes in their gunslinging resumes. So this great gunslinger took the great gunslinger activity of old, gambling, and brought it into the modern era; now everyone’s (or at least 26% of everyone) is doing it. Yes, gambling is a sure theme in this year’s Gunslinger Poll (citation: Barkley, Charles; Mizuhara, Ippei; Rose, Pete; Joe, Shoeless) and gunslinger history (citation: Poker; Hickok, Wild Bill; Barkley, Charles; Mizuhara, Ippei; Rose, Pete; Joe, Shoeless). For people have repressed for all–too-long the plain-old-truth: gunslingers like to gamble. But here, in The Year of Our Gunslinger, 2024, societal repression has ended. Thank you Jaromír Jágr. Jágr is a true visionary, having possessed the confidence of a gunslinger since his youth, when his favorite player growing up was himself (while it is not yet 100 percent clear who his favorite gunslinger was growing up, we have a good guess***). A gunslinger ahead of his times; we are behind the times for not including him on earlier Polls. But finally, here in The Year of Our Gunslinger, 2024, gunslinging has intersected with the times, converged with the present, the way it should, the way it was always meant to.
Josh Allen
Josh Allen has been called “a turnover machine,” which is simply a politically-correct way of criticizing someone as a quarterback while simultaneously complimenting them as a gunslinger—or at least acknowledging their gunslinger potential if they don’t yet have the touchdowns to match, which this gunslinger definitely does, combining for over 200 through air and on the ground already in his young career. Averaging over a turnover per game in his career, this gunslinger takes a multi-faceted approach to getting his defense back on the field, combining fumbles and interceptions with quick-strike TDs. But it is not just the sheer volume of the gunslinging, but also the amazing timing of it all, such as this miracle fumble against the Vikings, apparently giving Minnesota the game in the spirit and generosity of a good gunslinger. But wait! Like a great gunslinger, Allen incredibly drove the Bills downfield in well under a minute and somehow pushed that game into overtime where he sealed the loss by throwing an endzone interception in his best Brett Favre imitation to date. That was November 13, 2022, a historical date that gives Allen a lot of gunslinging capital and gave a lot for gunslinger aficionados to feast on and be thankful for Thanksgiving of 2022. But this inaccurate gunslinger will have to do more to show he has not peaked at number 15 on this Prestigious Poll. He as Top Ten talent, but can he put it all together? Some may argue we are even basing this ranking on potential rather than production. A 20-interception campaign, something we are fully confident Allen is capable of and working towards, would shut up the critics. We can only wait, drink whiskey, and hope for the best (touchdowns and turnovers).
Oreos
These cookies are so good, they are studied by chemists—or at least websites with chemistry in their name. One of Oreos’ earlier gunslinging moves–-besides their great taste–-was getting into the vegan game early on before vegan became cool. That’s why at least one guy eats them to stay fit. Not a gunslinger collective to rest on its laurels, Oreos continue**** to up their***** game by inventing new and amazing flavors that, while not always vegan, are always in line with their great integrity and great flavor, inspiring the Other Internet to do what it does best—create lists and rankings—and inspiring us to do what we do best here: construct Mount Rushmores. If incorporating another gunslinger snack, Sour Patch Kids, into their cookie roster is not a gunslinging treat, a gunslinging superfood, we don’t know what is. In other words, Kevin Durant could soon sign on. In other other words, Oreos are****** a modern-day Thomas Edison or Nikola Tesla, inventing things the world needs to push forward human progress. And like the great inventors of old, Oreos have inspired ingenuity in others with their great gunslinging culinary inventions as gunslinging heaven is only an Oreo away! As we get closer to heaven with our Oreo mountains, we may caution ourselves as humans to avoid another Tower of Babel situation. A portable heaven, you can bring Oreos to any party or gathering and be sure to leave empty-handed as the other party-goers will gobble them up. If they don’t, you know you are at the wrong party. There hasn’t been a better or more accurate gunslinging litmus test since the canary in the coal mine.
Big Ben
See Brett Favre.
Billy Joel
The guy knew how to write a song and crash a car. It is speculated (by us) that maybe he had to write so many songs to pay for his high insurance premiums, though those documents are not yet available in the Freedom of Information Act in our overly repressive, non-gunslinger-friendly society. Not wanting to limit his gunslinging pursuits to simply crashing motor vehicles with four wheels, Joel also got into the motorcycle accident game—so famously so that he has become a spokesman for an accident lawyer promoting his representation of Joel in the famous 1982 accident, putting Joel in the rare elite company of those whose reckless driving has opened opportunities for endorsement deals. Rather than writing the proverbial book, Joel wrote the non-proverbial song on motorcycles. “Motorcycle Song” eventually morphed into “All About Soul,” one of Joel’s many hits through the decades in a variety of genres. As Joel’s versatility has been well documented by the Other Internet, it is incumbent on this internet to finally articulate the constant ingredient in the recipe of Joel’s songwriting success. Gunslinging. Joel once drove right into a Long Island house; but, in shades******* of Wyatt Earp, Joel walked away without anyone getting injured. But this admirably adventurous behavior would not, by itself, be enough for us to give him the great respect we are bestowing upon Joel here. It is his clear desire to help create the Gunslinger Soundtrack of Our Lives filled with songs that accurately articulate the traits and characteristics of a true gunslinger, with choruses like, “You may be right/I may be crazy/but it just may be a lunatic you’re looking” and “Darling, I don't know why I go to extremes/Too high or too low, there ain't no in-betweens.” The only thing in between an interception and a touchdown (or at least a deep bomb along the sideline) is an incomplete pass–-or worse yet: a check down to the running back in the flat that goes for 3 or 4 yards. Those are the in-betweens we wish didn’t exist in this world, those are the in-betweens that Joel says don’t exist, and those are the in-betweens that in fact do not exist in the world of great gunslingers where “It’s all or nothing at all.”
Warren G
Gunslingers, mount up. While gunslingers and regulations may seem at odds, Warren G strikes the perfect balance with funk and rap, gunslinging and regulations in his timeless classic featuring Nate Dogg: “Regulate.” The fact this song was first released on the soundtrack of Above the Rim starring 2Pac, much respected and beloved here on this wiser and sweeter of internets, certainly gives Warren G a boost here on this Prestigious Poll, the wiser and sweeter of internet rankings. The “Regulate” single was also released with two 2Pac songs (which were included on the cassette version of Above the Rim — The Soundtrack). Importantly, “Regulate” features the lyrics, “So, I hooks a left on 21 and Lewis”--any time you can include 21, the number of the great Roberto Clemente, you will get respect on this internet. But even if we were to ignorantly ignore the indirect Clemente connection and 2Pac’s presence in the music video, “Regulate” and Warren G have their gunslinging credentials. The song is a gunslinging narrative, an homage of sorts to the Lincoln County Regulators of Old starring Billy the Kid, who amidst a corrupt local legal system, took the law into their own gunslinging hands. “Regulate” takes those late-19th century Old West stories of The Regulators’ adventures and puts a late-20th century urban West Coast spin on it, which we still celebrate here in the 21st century, regardless of our current geographical location. Warren G and Nate Dogg successfully detail gunslinging in a story format that harkens back to the Wild West Ballads of Old and the storytelling of what was considered Old School Hip Hop when “Regulate” was released in 1994 and stormed to the top of the charts. What an amazing and appropriate opening track this song is for Warren G’s Regulate… G Funk Era, which came out a few months after the public first heard “Regulate” and is an awesome album that continues the vibe of the gunslinging track we have so deservedly and decorously been thoroughly and thoughtfully discussing with great intelligence and insight here. While Warren G sits right behind Billy Joel******** on this Poll and well behind him in auto insurance premium payments and might have less songs that ultimately go on the Gunslinger Soundtrack of Our Lives, “Regulate” is definitely the amazing and appropriate opening track and honestly objectively superior, in gunslinging terms, than any of Joel’s, the only issue being gunslingers do not believe in quality of quantity. In fact they believe in the inverse: quantity over quality. #Gluttony The real mess for Gunslinger Voters and Democracy to untangle in years to come is: who exactly will be represented here on these Prestigious Rankings? Warren G, Warren G featuring Nate Dogg, the song “Regulate” itself, Regulate… G Funk Era, or the Above the Rim soundtrack? Gunslinger Voters, mount up!
Bobby Bonilla Day
July 1st is still on the calendar in the Year of Our Gunslinger, 2024 and Bobby Bonilla is still scheduled to receive $1.19 million that day because a quarter of a century ago the New York Mets bucked conventional wisdom by deciding to invest in Bernie Madoff’s Ponzi scheme rather than paying their players. And so the Mets struck a deal with the great gunslinger Bobby Bonilla where instead of paying the almost 6 million bucks they owed him upfront, they would pay him almost $30 million stretched out over a quarter of a century; and so this great Day was created. Amazingly, the know-it-all Other Internet does not know who first coined Bobby Bonilla Day. It appears to be a true collective grassroots gunslinging movement where people came together, despite their differences, and said, “Yes, July 1st will be now be Bobby Bonilla Day.” So this great Day is still a proper noun on this great and proper Poll. The newer Mets owner, gunslinger-in-training Steve Cohen, has floated the idea of making Bobby Bonilla Day an annual officially-recognized and sanctioned celebration, which would be wonderful. But he needs to stop deliberating like a non-gunslinger and just do it like a good gunslinger, maybe taking a good gunslinging lesson from CBS. CBS surprised gunslinging pundits and proved its integrity as a good gunslinging sports news agency by making a commemorative Bobby Bonilla Day Bobblehead. If that isn’t good news, we don’t know what is. Those living in earthquake zones may consider using the Bobby Bonilla Day Bobblehead to measure seismic waves as a kind of modern-day Richter scale to determine if the earthquake is gunslinging or not*********, thus helping you decide if you need to take protective measures. Just as real geologists, unlike lying fictional boys, cannot predict the exact time an earthquake will occur but do know they will eventually happen in certain areas, it is unclear what will happen after 2035, when Bobby Bonilla stops getting paid and Bobby Bonilla Day ends. Will the world then end? Or will aliens simply visit? Will Bobby Bonilla die? We sure hope not; 72 would be far too young for a great gunslinger like Bonilla to die, even though the average lifespan of gunslingers is shorter–-but greater–-than other average lesser humans. Perhaps when the sun sets on the last Bobby Bonilla Day in 2035, Canada will pick up the slack–-because July 1st also doubles as Canada Day–-and replace its reputation of kindness with a reputation of gunslinging. Or on July 2nd of 2035 will all Bobby Bonilla Day Bobbleheads break? If that happens, will the world finally universally recognize the true value of gunslinging (since the most likely scenario of this occurring would be by the Bobbleheads initiating their own demise in a joint demonstration of gunslinging’s importance, a powerful message which society could not ignore)? Or, doubting Bobbleheads’ ability at coordinating such mass logistics, would skeptics simply accept the supernatural, feeling ghosts shot by the Great Gunslingers of Old are the most likely culprits in breaking all of the Bobby Bonilla Day Bobbleheads, if that does indeed happen on July 2, 2035? Or, maybe the Bobbleheads never break, and more than withstanding time, they fast-forward with it: since the Bobby Bonilla Day’s origin story started in January of 2000 when the Mets released the gunslinging slugger, after July 1st, 2035 will the gunslinging gods release us from this millennium and catapult us directly into the year 3000? Or, will the start of the fiscal year simply move from July 1st to July 2nd? While it is difficult to say which of these indistinct possibilities is most likely to happen, it is important to consider all the potential outcomes here on this Prestigious Poll so we will not be blindsided by any of them, just as any good gunslinger in the Wild West must be aware of their surroundings so they don’t get shot in the back and die (or even ejaculated in the back by a greater gunslinger like Antonio Brown). Thank you Bobby Bonilla Day for preparing us for the future and saving us from getting stabbed in the back—or worse (see previous parenthetical statement). But no thank you to inflation which is de-valuing Bonilla’s $1.19 million each year and sliding Bobby Bonilla Day down this Prestigious Poll, which inflation can never devalue (citation: all economists who ever existed, 100% of which have never even mentioned the possibility of this Poll devaluing).
Barry Sanders
This gunslinger loved to run backwards and continues falling back on this Poll, from 15th in 2022 to 18th in 2023 to 21st here in The Year of Our Gunslinger, 2024. If he maintains this current gunslinging pace of running backwards (and there is no way to tell what a gunslinger will maintain in the erratic gunslinger world), he will have only one more year left on this list. This is no knock on Sanders as a running back in the sport of football: we believe he is the GOAT at the position, having to play for the sorriest franchise in the Super Bowl Era, the Detroit Lions, an organization ever-indulging in incompetence. In the desert of winning, like the great gunslingers of old galloping in to save a town being ravaged by bandits, an oasis appeared in the form of Barry Sanders, whose best offensive teammate has been reasonably argued to actually be a special teamer, Jason Hansen (though we contend it was Herman Moore; nonetheless, the Lions surrounded this all-time great with an all-time pathetic supporting cast, like the great Samuel L. Jackson B movies of old). Sanders’ continued slide here is actually not a knock on him as a gunslinger either as being the leading rusher for negative yards in NFL history has helped propel him into these rankings 3 consecutive years, which is no easy feat. This unfaltering fall in these rankings simply sustains his particular brand of gunslinging, which like his amazingly unique and wonderful style of running, we are highly unlikely to ever witness again—at least not in the Common Gunslinger Era (C.G.E.).
Bobby Valentine
With a .260 lifetime average, 12 home runs, and a career MLB managerial record of 1,186 - 1,165, remarkably mediocre for so many games managed, it is a real uphill climb for Bobby V. to make it to this Prestigious Poll. But obviously, as you see his name honored here, he successfully made that climb, a real gunslinger up to the task. His path was certainly circuitous, taking his mediocre managing talents across the Pacific to Japan where his two stints skippering in the Nippon Professional League ended only slightly less average with a 493 - 450 record. But none of this would have even gotten Valentine near this list as it is mere child’s play with toy guns in comparison to his truly Major League Gunslinging of repeatedly claiming to have invented the wrap. Yes, the wrap sandwich: no one ever thought of it before the idea came to Bobby Valentine in 1980 as a sort of divine gunslinging revelation. And now we can all enjoy a sandwich without the contents falling all over us, a real problem before 1980 when humankind was never quite able to develop the internet in the 1960s or 1970s because every time someone got close, lettuce or tomato from their unwrapped sandwich fell onto their keyboards, ruining their internet plans and instead resulting in less useful ingenuity, such as the toiletry storage hat. Finally, because of Bobby Valentine’s wrap, the internet was invented just several years later on January 1st, 1983. So because of this great gunslinger, we no longer have to put our deodorant in our hats and we can now benefit from these great Gunslinger Polls, not just because of the internet he helped provide is allowing you to currently read it, but also because we could never finish the great work of computing and compiling these Polls if mustard and mayo from our messy unwrapped sandwiches kept on spilling onto our keyboards and ruining our computers, forcing us to spend our money on new laptops instead of the provisions of whiskey and coffee necessary to construct these Polls, not completely unlike the process of building the Eric Canal. In this way, the wrap he invented is a vehicle to the gunslinging of these Polls, making him an inventor as important to the history of gunslinging as the inventor of the horse, whether that being God Him or Herself or Science is up to your belief system. But what is not debatable is the importance of the horse to the Old West. Even if you are not going to give Bobby V.’s amazing wrap invention sole credit for eventually ending the Cold War, just as some old sites on the Other Internet fail to mention him or his wrap (and the fact the Soviet Union obviously didn’t wrap their sandwiches), Bobby V.’s best gunslinging move has indisputable, clear video evidence. It came in 1999, nearly two decades after the wrap invention. Recognizing that the Great Gunslingers of the Old Wild West were famous for their mustaches and having the self-awareness to see that he himself lacked the mustache he needed in his gunslinging life, after getting tossed from the game for arguing a call, Valentine returned to the dugout in a mustache disguise. What a great way for humankind to wrap up (pun intended) the second millennia of the Common Gunslinger Era (C.G.E.). And while that would have been a great way for us to wrap up Bobby V.’s entry on this Poll, we should note that every time you eat a wrap sandwich or wear a fake mustache (or invent an internet or do something that ends a multi-decade Cold War), Bobby V. earns gunslinging residuals********** that can help him climb this Poll. Consider that next time you are looking at a menu and deciding what to order, especially on a first date when you are looking for a great conversation starter to break the ice.
Dolly Parton
Fake mustache? No. Sorry Bobby V., that would be mere child’s play for Parton. She is much more than that. Fake lips. Fake tits. Fake hair. Real gunslinging. She likes plastic surgery and is not ashamed to say so. She has had so many plastic surgeries, no one on the Other Internet really knows how many. But she is so much more than those surgeries. She is one of the most prolific songwriters of all time. She has written so many songs—somewhere over 5,000—that the Other Internet, the ultimate annoying know-it-all, doesn’t even know exactly how many songs it is. And it is not just the quantity: it is the quality as Parton has broken Guinness World Records with hits up and down the charts, many of which she penned herself. But if she had just written thousands of songs and proudly gunslingingly gotten countless plastic surgeries, that would not be enough to get her charted here on this most highly-competitive chart of them all. In true gunslinger fashion, she has her own stampede. With her own amusement park, her own books, her own charity which gunslings nearly 3 million books a month to little kids, she is certainly a gunslinger of many colors. Some might say that Bobby V. is an impostor being in front of her, like some sort of grown man sneaking into a dugout with a fake mustache. Were the voters tricked? Or did they get it right? Or was it both (they were tricked into getting it right)? Whatever the case, you really can’t go wrong with the Queen of Country who doubles as the Queen of Gunslinging.
Alexander Ovechkin
He will likely make hockey history in the next couple of years by becoming the all-time NHL goals king. But more importantly, he has already made gunslinger history by being the first person to appear in the Top 25 (2022), fall off (2023), and now return in 2024. His fall from grace and this Prestigious Poll came as he ended The Year of Our Gunslinger, 2023, with 7 goals and 14 assists in October, November, and December. Double the assists to goals?! That is not Ovi’s style, a gunslinger who consistently has had more goals than assists throughout his career. Things actually started off even worse for him in this, The Year of Our Gunslinger, 2024, when at one point in January his totals for the 2023/2024 NHL season were 8 goals and 21 assists, and his chances of catching up to Gretzky’s goals record seemed to be fading along with his gunslinging touch. But then, with the sudden flick of the gunslinging wrist, Ovi turned his season (and life) around in a story no one would believe if it were a Hollywood script by managing 23 goals against 13 assists for the remainder of the season and putting himself back on this Prestigious Poll and back on track to catch Gretzky and back on track to achieve immortality so rare in this unimaginative world. “It’s all in the wrist,” as they say; and with quick wrist action inherent to any great gunslinger, this legendary High Noon competitor has continuously outdueled goalies with the best wrist shot in NHL history. But Ovi puts more than his wrists into his gunslinging efforts; he dedicates his whole body as he is the rare star that just loves to hit. In fact, he has received criticism throughout his career from pundits (with anti-gunslinging agendas) that he hits too much and too hard. And this is not just in the regular season, but with everything on the line in the playoffs or the Olympics, where Ovi simply lit up Jagr. While Ovi got the best of Jagr with that famous hit back in 2010 at the Olympics in Vancouver, Jagr has gotten the best of him in this year’s Prestigious Poll. Can Ovi catch up to him? Can he even overtake Jagr? He certainly can, and breaking Gretzky’s record and staying away from the bad-non-gunslinging-habit of assists would certainly help. But will Ovi catch up to Jagr? Stay tuned to life and these Gunslinging Polls to find out what happens next year and beyond.
(Tied) Tiger Woods
This man was able to take a safely boring sport like golf and make it dangerous by having enough sex with enough expensively-paid women that his then-wife took a nine iron to his then-expensive car’s windshield with him, then-on-top-of-the-golfing-world-but-not-necessarily-gunslinging-world, inside. After all was said and done, his golfing and endorsement deals went down, but his gunslinging net worth went up, until finally here he is on this most prestigious of rankings, more interesting than anything LIV has ever come up with and certainly more interesting than anything the PGA, even less gunslinging than LIV, could ever think of. Tiger’s golfing credentials speak for themself, only trailing Jack Nicklaus in Major Championships. No one was even close to him in terms of consistently being in contention to win tour events; he was always in the fight to the finish, tied with Phil Mickelson with 198 Top Ten Finishes despite playing in 751 less career events. As far as non-fictional golfers, only John Daly with his love of libations, Greg Norman with Major meltdowns ironically adding to his “shark” style, and Arnold Palmer with his Western PA roots and gunslinging genius to mix lemonade and ice tea in creating his own drink have any semblance of gunslinger DNA in them (citation: alternate 23andMe interpretative science). But what gets Tiger onto this list this late in the game is transforming himself into a crusty-old gunslinging golfer in the twilight of his career, not wanting to give it up after treating his driver’s license as if were graced by Billy Joel’s picture.
(Tied) Happy Gilmore
Before there was Tiger Woods gunslinging through Augusta in 1997, there was Happy Gilmore winning hearts on the links in 1996. Gilmore took the more gunslinging nature of hockey as well as the more gunslinging nature of goofy golf into the non-gunslinging world of serious golf. And just like a good, Happy attitude brings out the best side of others, a good gunslinger attitude brings out the best gunslinging side of others, as evidenced by Happy’s classic brawl with Bob Barker. And like any great gunslinger, Happy had a fearsome gunslinging rival he had to overtake: the infamous and legendary Shooter McGavin, an evil competitor with a true gunslinging name if we ever heard one. In shades of Wild Bill Hickock facing off with Davis Tutt, these two great gunslinging rivals met in their fierce High Noon showdown with the highest of stakes at stake: getting onto these rankings. There was definitely not room for both of them here as there is barely room for one of them. Of course Happy prevailed in what is literally a Happy ending of a true Hollywood story (true in that it is actually a Hollywood story; Happy Gilmore is primarily a fictional character). Happy Gilmore accomplished this all by remembering his happy place, which is now here on this Prestigious Poll.
Honorable Mention: Lil Wayne
Brett Favre’s friendship with Lil Wayne knows no limits (that we know of). Favre kept Wayne’s spirits up while he was incarcerated and keeps him here on this gunslinging list. It is hard to properly articulate the amount of respect the ‘ole Gunslinger Brett Favre must have for someone when he prays for them instead of sending them a dick pic. The average man, woman, or child cannot possibly fathom the amount of self-control and discipline it takes for a great gunslinger like Favre to do that. #Friendship #GodlyGunslinging Did Brett Favre also pray to make sure Lil Wayne was honored here? God does work in mysterious ways. But even if we keep the blasphemy to a minimum and look at this through a purely secular gunslinging lens: how could we keep a gunslinging friend of Favre off of this list? Lil Wayne, a great gunslinger in his own right whose credentials earned him the 8th overall spot in 2023, is always an Honorable Mention on any guestlist of Brett Favre—and any list featuring great gunslingers.
Receiving Votes/On The Bubble: The Mountain West Conference West Division
This is an compliment. This is also a critique. Constructive criticism. Why? Because there are additional candidates who received votes but did not make the rankings in the form of being honored here, On The Bubble. So why does The Mountain West Conference West Division earn this compliment, this honor over others not mentioned here? The Mountain West Conference West Division came the closest to making the numerical rankings above, but was undercut by agitators within. Let us explain. The Mountain West Conference West Division got here through rugged mountainous terrain of The Mountain West Conference Mountain Division in several ways: first it is from what was once the most gunslinging of collegiate conferences who decided to double down on its name through the gunslinging ingenuity of dividing and conquering itself into two divisions of its own name, image, and likeness: the Mountain Division and the West Division. But then, it laid down its gunslinging arms before the 2023 season, conforming to a one-size-fits-all division-less, gunslinging-stunted conference when it dissolved the divisions, in a move that brought the most harm to the gunslinging of the Old West since the introduction of automobiles and laws. But, in the final Conference Championship Game featuring the old famed redundantly-named division format played on the old gridiron, the Mountain West Conference West Division champion Fresno State defeated the Mountain West Conference Mountain Division champion Boise State in what ultimately earned The Mountain West Conference West Division a belated call to the bubble of these rankings, forever ensuring it a spot on future ballots, which we all know is very important because earning a spot on ballots in the United States can be costly and require many signatures and often end up in court. So this is quite an honor for The Mountain West Conference West Division that has seen great gunslingers likes Derek Carr, David Carr, and Devante Adams. We should not fail to mention that by including “west” in its name twice, The Mountain West West is certainly much deserved of being on this great gunslinging bubble. As it is now a defunct division, the question certainly arises to wise gunslinger connoisseurs out there: since it now longer exists, how can it possibly climb onto the rankings in future years? We currently cannot answer that question, just as Great Gunslingers of Old approaching a mountain with little more than their old trusty horse and rations of a little water and a lot of grit might not have known how they would traverse it. We will have to wait with great anticipation and see their next gunslinging move.
Bubble Burst/Notable Fall From Gunslinging Grace: Shakira
We still love Shakira. And don’t let the above headline fool you, she is still a great gunslinger. It is no disgrace to not make the Top 25 of the World’s Greatest Gunslingers every year as there is only room for 25 (plus ties, honorable mentions, etc.) and Shakira already earned spots on both the 2022 and 2023 Polls. It should also be noted that Shakira is of course not the only gunslinger to fall off the Poll from last year, but is the only one to get the honor of being included here in the first-ever Bubble Burst section of this greatly Prestigious Poll. So, this is all done with great respect of a honoring a great gunslinger. But why did she fall off these rankings? She decided to pay her taxes and/or settle her beef with the Spanish government, which does hurt her gunslinging resume in the present moment. In other words, by paying her taxes, she failed to properly renew her gunslinging credentials. We should be clear here: tax fraud does not equate to gunslinger fraud. In fact, it is quite the inverse: tax fraud really helped her gunslinger credibility. We should also be clear that refusal to pay taxes is not a requisite for gunslinging, not a required criteria; but rather, this was one of the key parts in Shakira’s gunslinging resume specifically. And so to take that key component off of her resume is to take herself off of this list. Will she rebound from this recent mishap? Can she cover up this blemish of gunslinging character? Will she get back on her feet and back into these rankings? She certainly has the gunslinging capability to do so based on her gunslinging history; and as her tax-paying drifts into the past, the sour taste will likely fade from voters’ mouths as controversies have a way of being dulled with time and the gunslinging power of forgiveness—and forgetfulness powered by whiskey consumption. Our advice to Shakira: drink some whiskey and forget, once again, to pay your taxes.
*As such, voters may involve themselves in highly-intoxicated and intoxicating intellectual debates whether future Polls should feature Kodak Black on the Poll or The Kodak Black Effect. Or both.
**Though born in Western Quebec, we take him to be one of our own in Western Pennsylvania because of his positive gunslinging attitude. Most Pens fans have continued to root for Fleury well after his departure from Pittsburgh and cheer him when he returns.
***himself (Jaromír Jágr)
****Conjugated as third-person singular here because, as previously stated earlier in the sentence they are a collective.
*****Note to following footnote on gunslinging grammar to understand why we have pivoted back to the plural and, perhaps, life.
******Not conjugated as third-person singular here, or later, because even though Oreos are a collective, as previously noted, continuing to conjugated them as third-person singular would be tiresome. Gunslinging grammar does not hold to traditional restrictive English language rules and regulations because grammar books were not widely sold in the Old Wild, Wild West. And gunslingers buck convention anyway.
*******shades is a very appropriate word to use in this context because it connotes something similar, but not the same. Similar to Earp, because Joel walked away unharmed like Earp always did. But it is not exactly the same as Earp because in Earp’s showdowns many others got injured or died.
********who we might as well say was named after Billy the Kid as see Warren G has many connections to Billy the Kid as seen in these rankings.
*********If the earthquake is gunslinging, the Bobblehead, despite its own gunslinging strength, will break in the High Noon showdown, even if the earthquake is not occurring at noon. Scientists are still trying to figure out this time dynamic of High Noon occurring at a different hour than noon because unfortunately Einstein never mentioned any thing about it.
**********as per the latest Gunslinger Collective Bargaining Agreement negotiated by Antonio Brown and signed into law by Brett Favre.