The Gunslinger Top 25
Your #1 High Noon Poll
The World’s Highest-Ranked Gunslingers
in
the Year of Our Gunslinger, 2022
Brett Favre
Does this man need any introduction? Besides bringing the Pack back to prominence and winning three straight NFL: MVPs, this grizzled gunslinger led the NFL in touchdowns, passes, yards, and–most importantly–interceptions (while the former marks have been surpassed, the interceptions mark remains virtually untouchable) when he retired from football after the 2010 season. But he has not retired from gunslinging. He now robs poor people of their money. No gunslinger maneuver is too high or too low for this all-time great gunslinger. No one ever said, the Wild West hero was always good. But they are always a gunslinger. Once a gunslinger, always a gunslinger.
Kodak Black
This may be controversial. That is, it begs the common age-old question regarding the protégé and mentor: who is greater? Not completely unlike community theater, in the gunslinging community gunslinging energy is reciprocal: a good gunslinger inspires other high-end gunslinging, #PayItFoward #FeedOffTheEnergyOfOtherPerformers. If Kodak Black inspired Antonio Brown, can we put Antonio Brown ahead of him? Perhaps future Top 25s will. The voters will decide. After all, gunslinging rankings are a (limited) democracy, for safety reasons, #GunControl. In a way, gunslinging rankings are also inspired* by Kodak Black’s “Super Gremlin” mindset, a term possibly closer to gunslinger than anything else yet to enter into the English language. Sure, “Super Gremlin” and “gunslinger” are not the exact same term, but they have much overlap and thesauruses should list them as the first possible synonym for each other—or at least a “strong match”; thus writing a letter to the editor of your favored thesaurus to advocate for this would be more than appropriate, as well as protesting outside of their home until this is accomplished. Gunslingers (as well as gunslinger advocates) certainly have to “go Gremlin” a lot. If you are a Super Gremlin, you are likely a great gunslinger. If you are a gunslinger, you are likely a Gremlin. If you are great gunslinger, you are likely Super Gremlin. Kodak Black deserves credit for popularizing the term Super Gremlin and thus elevating gunslinging in the process while enriching the English language at the same time, #Multitasking. What did you do to better society in 2022?
Antonio Brown
Whether scoring touchdowns, throwing furniture, speeding, farting in the faces of doctors, missing his own rap concerts, taking off his jersey in the middle of the game, AB has gunslinger credentials that must have Brett Favre worried. Oh yeah, and Brown was the top wideout of his time, a generational talent that became the first NFL player to haul in 100+ catches in six consecutive seasons. He is only currently behind Kodak Black at this time because the removal of jersey midgame by this #3 Gunslinger was a gunslinging move inspired by the #2 Gunslinger as AB cited Kodak Black’s “Super Gremlin” as motivation for his iconic gunslinger move. So right now the protégé has not surpassed mentor—but will he in next year’s Poll? Only time—and voters—will tell.
Jose Canseco
Snitching on fellow players and encouraging younger athletes to do steroids: both are done repeatedly throughout his infamous tell-all book Juiced. But that is just Canseco’s gunslinging literary side. As a baseball legend, he hit absolute bombs for home runs—a lot them. Even after calling it quits from the baseball diamond, he did not stop his athletic gunslinging, letting his twin brother fight for him in a celebrity boxing match, keeping the gunslinging in the family as perhaps good gunslingers ought to do. Where does it stop? It doesn’t. While still at the height of his baseball career, Canseco risked it all by wanting to be a gunslinger on the mound and seriously injured himself pitching, becoming an early pioneer for position players to squirm their way to the center of the diamond and get a foot on the pitching rubber; and Canseco was the first to do so in a Rangers uniform, #FatherFigure. But don’t call him a revolutionary; call him a gunslinger–-and a top one at that. Oh what the hell, call him a top revolutionary and a top gunslinger: this is a Gunslinger Poll after all and if you’re reading this, you probably have gunslinging aspirations or at least gunslinging tendencies yourself, so call him whatever you want.
Marc-André Fleury
Who said goalies can’t be gunslingers too? Third all time in wins, he may surpass Patrick Roy for second place before he falls off of this Top 25. He is also tied for third in playoff wins and shutouts. He was a key piece of the Penguins Crosby-era dynasty and also led the Vegas Golden Knights to the Stanley Cup Finals in their inaugural season. How has Fleury accomplished such Hall of Fame credentials? Through great athleticism, skill, and gunslinging. Here are just some examples of Fleury building his gunslinging credentials on the ice. While his edifying on-ice efforts are gratifying to any gunslinger aficionado with a heartbeat and handful of whiskey glass, Fleury has produced great gunslinging credentials off the ice too. Fleury is famous for his pranks. While LBJ famously brought his basketball talents to South Beach, Fleury brought his pranking talents to Minnesota. Whether it be hockey success, inconsistency, longevity, or pranks, Fleury is a top gunslinger, one of the “good guy” gunslingers, a wholesome gunslinger you could bring home to the parents or should have a cameo in a movie starring The Rock. While his spot so high up on this prestigious Poll may cause great controversy–-so it will be interesting to see how things shake out with this placement in future gunslinger elections–-it should be remembered that Fleury has taken what may be the most difficult position (a goalie) to become a gunslinger from while carrying the heavy burden of possessing a very difficult and disadvantaged personality (the wholesome) to be cast as a gunslinger and done the best he could with it, maximizing his gunslinging potential and talents in ways that exceed more naturally-gifted gunslingers. This should be a lesson to young, aspiring gunslingers: it is not all about God-given gunslinging ability, but what you do with it.
Adam Dunn
Baseball is now about home runs, strikeouts, and walks. Adam Dunn, though retired, was ahead of the times. In recent years, baseball has seen less balls in play–and the reason could be the strikeout. Or simply the gunslinger. Or simply Adam Dunn.
Kyle Schwarber
Carrying the Adam Dunn baton of go big or go home—home in this case being Southwestern Ohio, where Schwarber grew up as a Reds fan—Schwarber sure knows how to avoid a non-gunslinging bloop single. It is possible that Schwarber’s favorite player–either consciously or unconsciously–was longtime Red, Adam Dunn. Schwarber’s whole career may in fact be one, big Freudian Slip onto this Great Gunslinger List. While Schwarber has yet to top 2000 strikeouts or flirt with 500 career home runs like Dunn or lead the league in both strikeouts and walks in the same year like Dunn’s incredible 2012 campaign, Schwarber did lead the National League in both home runs and strikeouts in 2022 and has exceeded the “mentor” in postseason success. There is no telling the limits for Schwarber’s Gunslinging success. Maybe he will pass his “mentor” one day. But if he doesn’t, he will strikeout trying.
Rob Dibble
One of the three Cincinnati Reds relievers known as the Nasty Boys–but the only one to make this list. When he wasn’t striking out hitters, he was throwing at them when they became runners. When not fighting opposing players, he was fighting his own manager (and fellow gunslinger, Lou Piniella). Not only did his anger transcend the field into the clubhouse, it also went into the stands. Dibble could throw fast: gunslinging the fastest observed pitch in Candlestick Park history. He was utterly dominant his first three years with the Reds, including their shockingly improbable 1990 World Series run, the franchise’s last and only since the 1970s Big Red Machine. Perhaps they need to get some more gunslingers warming up in the bullpen.
Eli Manning
He will be the only Manning to make this list. Peyton Manning of course had the touchdowns to be a gunslinger, but never backed up his gunslinging credentials with interceptions–-a wasted career for the elder Manning, some (in pro-gunslinger circles) may say. Yes, Peyton did throw 7 more career interceptions than Eli, but it took him 30 more games to do so. And why Eli could have easily played another season and tossed more than 7 INTs, Peyton was toast at the end. Eli makes this list because there was a point in his career–-2013-–when he was fresh off a 27-interception campaign and looked like he might threaten Brett Favre’s career interception record, something that takes a rare combination of longevity, durability, skill, and a taste for poor decision-making (i.e. great gunslinging). Eli was second only to Favre in consecutive starts when he was stupidly benched by an ignorant head coach so unappreciative of gunslingers that their name is unworthy of even mentioning here in what would be a disservice and insult to these honorable gunslingers in our presence on this most blessed of internet webpages. Eli led the league in interceptions three times to Peyton’s sole leadership as a rookie in that category. Eli Manning also once tossed 3 pick-sixes in one game! And that was the same year he went on to win Super Bowl MVP in the Namathesque upset of the then-undefeated New England Patriots in topping off an MVGS (Most Valuable Gunslinger) season. Such a rollercoaster ride is indicative of a true gunslinger.
Bobby Bonilla Day
You might ask how a day itself could make a list of this magnitude. You may also be wondering what Bobby Bonilla Day is. To know the latter is to better understand the former (and life). Bobby Bonilla Day is Canada Day for gunslingers (everyone knows Canada is a nice country, but not a gunslinging country). In other words, Bobby Bonilla Day is July 1st. The Mets pay retired slugger Bobby Bonilla over a million dollars every year on that day through 2035, when Bobby Bonilla Day may finally drop off this Top-25 Poll (though could reappear on the Featured Throwback Gunslinger Program we will launch in order to teach kids about history and stop the vicious cycle of non-gunslinging things happening in the world). The reason such a day makes the list is because there was a lot of gunslinging going on to make this possible. The Mets needed to pay big bucks for free agents they couldn’t afford while also investing in the infamous Madoff Ponzi scheme. Additionally, Bonilla himself had to be somewhat of a gunslinger worthy of a nice contract. He was a six-time All Star who helped jumpstart the early 90s Pirates mini-dynasty and later reunited with Jim Leyland in South Florida in 1997 to help the Marlins capture their first World Series before the gunslinging organization embarked on a fire sale salary dump that immediately resulted in five consecutive losing seasons before jumping back to the top again in 2003 to win another World Series in an all-or-nothing philosophy reminiscent of the #9 Gunslinger on this Poll, Eli Manning. Bonilla ended his career with over a 1,000 RBIs and 1,000 strikeouts–as any good gunslinger in the batter’s box should–and also hung up his cleats with less stolen bases then times caught stealing, as any gunslinger on the basepaths should, especially those gutsy enough to eclipse 100 attempts while doing so. Such numbers alone would earn him respect—though not a spot on these rankings—but he partnered up as gunslingers often do (citation: Westerns) with the Mets to form the National** Holiday*** Bobby Bonilla Day and create gunslinging history.
Allen Iverson
A.I. led the NBA in points per game four times and minutes per game seven times. He also led the league in field goal attempts four times (but never field goals made). With a .425 career shooting percentage, the guy was not afraid to shoot the ball—and why should he be? He’s a gunslinger after all. He had to be, playing in a league with tall guys, and listed at a generous six feet even—can you think of another player as impactful in the NBA at that height? If so, lobby for them to get into this Top 25. The Answer led his team to the NBA Finals, only to run into the Lakers Shaq/Kobe juggernaut. And of course, he had one of the most legendary press conferences of all time. Gunslinger. Who can turn a press conference into a timeless gunslinging moment? Of course, the answer is the Answer: A.I.
Babe Ruth
This guy could pitch, hit, drink, party, and put curses on cities (the five tools of an all-round baseball gunslinger). He could seemingly do it all. He also bucked authority with his barnstorming tour, and while he was an outspoken activist, he did disregard some of the terrible bigotry of the day and play with Black professional ballplayers in MLB off-seasons. And while Ruth’s power at the plate is legendary along with his other well-documented gunslinging on the diamond, little has been discussed about his gunslinging on the base paths where Ruth was caught stealing 117 times in pinstripes while only successful robbing the base 110 times (the stat was not kept during his early Boston days), a terrible rate according to advanced metrics, but a great rate according to gunslinging metrics.
Trevon Diggs
Don’t let quarterbacks “kill you with kindness,” dinking and dunking their way downfield. Diggs may have never said that, but that seems to be his mentality--the gunslinger mentality. Bengals wideout Ja’Marr Chase mentioned that Diggs wasn’t big on technique, but gunslingers rarely are–unless we are talking gunslinging technique. Diggs led the NFL in interceptions in just his second year, tying the Cowboys franchise record with 11. But he is also known to give up the big play. This Jekyll & Hyde, all or nothing, gambler corner’s gunslinging credentials may best be shown in these back-to-back plays.
Dolly Parton
Writer of around 3,000 songs, this gunslinger with a guitar has also recorded an insane amount of albums. She does everything big: her hair, her bust, and is unapologetic about it all–-if some of it may be the result of a little plastic surgery, she doesn’t hide it; she owns it. And don’t forget Dollywood. This is a gunslinger of substance, backing up the glam in important ways. Underneath all that hair, she’s got lots of understated but freewheelin’ gunslinging brains.
Barry Sanders
Backwards, forwards, who gives a damn? Sanders is the NFL leader in rushing for negative yards. Over the years, many have attributed this to his running style. While that may be partially true, he never had a good team—or offensive line—around him and was the star player on the only Lions team to win a playoff game in the Super Bowl Era (in other words, he made a subpar team good). The Lions haven’t won a division title since his departure, and Detroit has hit upon hard economic times. Had Sanders been with a competent franchise that built a competent offensive line and team around him, he probably would not have so many runs for losses and might hold the NFL’s all-time rushing record (which he may have held even with the Lions had he not also been a gunslinger by retiring during his prime). The only positive of Sanders playing for the worst NFL franchise of the Super Bowl Era is that it put him in prime position to make this list. Without their help in allowing multiple defenders to meet him in the backfield consistently throughout his career, we would have never had the opportunity to see such great gunslinging; we would have just seen untarnished greatness. Yes, without the help of the Detroit Lions allowing 300-pound gladiators to look Sanders directly in the eye the moment he was handed the rock, requiring him to have the quick reflexes of a gunslinger in a high noon showdown, he might simply just be the consensus greatest running back of all-time and never considered a great gunslinger, because he would have never run for so many negative yards. Was it worth it? Sanders, not known to say controversial things, will probably never say and such a question will remain one of life’s great mysteries.
Manny from Manny’s Greek Grill in Ellsworth, Maine
This guy is great. This place is great. If you’re ever vacationing in Maine—maybe heading to Acadia National Park—you must stop at Manny’s Greek Grill in Ellsworth. Not only is the food fantastic, but Manny is fantastic, working nonstop to cook you all the excellent Greek fare while also slinging verbal barbs and jokes in both English and Greek. I’m not sure what it would actually translate to in Greek, but it’s gunslinger in English. A bilingual gunslinger.
2Pac
Despite being murdered at just 25, he has 10 platinum albums. How is that possible? He kept on releasing and selling albums even after his death in 1996. Not only skilled, he was a hard worker in the studio. As a fierce gunslinger, he was unafraid of critics or even being a little repetitive in his rhymes at times. He also starred in a number of films, including his 1991 breakthrough role in Juice and earned praise from Siskel & Ebert for his performance opposite Janet Jackson in Poetic Justice. While 2Pac may not be the top rapper on this Gunslinger Poll, it should be noted that he is the greatest rapper of all time (no citation needed). He is so great, that he even has a day of the week named after him: 2Pac Friday.
Samuel L. Jackson
Great movie; bad movie—this guy doesn’t care. This storied actor is simply in a lot of movies. Whether it’s a legendary role in a famous movie like Pulp Fiction or an infamous film like Snakes on a Plane (or appearing in a 2Pac film, Juice), Jackson prefers happiness over accolades and being Nick Fury over Oscars. Great actor and great gunslinger.
Stephen King
Similar to Samuel L. Jackson, great books; bad books—this prolific author really doesn’t care. He just keeps slinging the pen to paper, or typewriter ink to page, or computer key to computer word processor, or whatever he does. He literally wrote the book on gunslingers—at least one of them, The Gunslinger—which makes him impossible to keep off this list. He also had the aforementioned gunslinger Samuel L. Jackson in at least one of the movies based off his books, Cell. King and Jackson are such gunslingers there’s probably other instances of overlapping as well. Nobody really knows.
Takis
Great snack that makes some bold choices with its available flavors. They have so many interesting flavors that ranking Taki flavors has become something of a cottage industry. We won’t provide any links to any one specific blog or YouTube video focusing on Takis; you can easily search them for yourself.
Lou Piniella
Being a Major League Baseball manager is not the natural launching pad to gaining entry onto the Gunslinging Top 25, which makes this feat that much more impressive. His famous fight with another gunslinger on this list (Rob Dibble), dubbed the “Thrilla with Piniella,” was not a deviation from the norm but instead the rule for this gunslinger. While Sweet Lou’s 64 ejections are not the most all time, they are collectively perhaps the most memorable. We also would be remiss to not note that his nickname Sweet Lou is both gunslingeringly ironic and also appropriate in containing the word “sweet” just like Sweet Livin’. What more could one want from a gunslinger?
Jameis Winston
Pairing 30 touchdowns with 30 interceptions makes him a gunslinging pioneer and earns him a spot in the Top 25. But he has got to do more “to keep up with the gunslinging Joneses,” as they say; he must earn his starting job back so he can return to throwing touchdowns–-and interceptions. He cannot just rest on his gunslinging laurels. A good gunslinger never does.
Alexander Ovechkin
Despite playing in a much lower scoring, less-gunslinger-friendly era of the NHL, Ovi might pass Wayne Gretzky’s record for career goals. But definitely not career assists. Ovechkin has the gunslinger mentality of “shoot first, ask questions–-or think of passing–-later” with more assists than goals in only 4 or his 17 full NHL seasons to date, a difficult feat in a game where 2 assists can be attributed to each goal scored. That is, a difficult feat for the average man, woman, or child. But not a difficult feat for the Great Gunslinger.
ODB
R.I.P.
(Tied) J.R. Smith
Smith got tired of being called inconsistent during his 16-year NBA career. Don’t call him inconsistent; call him a gunslinger. Because he is one–and one of the best at that.
(Tied) Shakira
Whether producing music in English, Spanish, incorporating Middle Eastern elements, or recording the official song for the 2010 World Cup in South Africa, Shakira is a global gunslinger. She can also turn her tongue into a dancing gunslinging device. She additionally likes to buck the system by not paying her taxes, which helped her secure a spot on these elite rankings as there are no scenes we can think of featuring the great gunslingers of old Westerns paying taxes at High Noon. #ApologiesToH&RBlock
Honorable Mention: Joe Horn
He revolutionized endzone celebrations and took flak for it. But those announcers and critics who took issue with his “antics,”**** just didn’t know the value of a top gunslinger. Now endzone celebrations are all the rage. He was ahead of his time. A gunslinging pioneer. He was also a really good wide receiver, a fixture of the Saints in the early 2000s, making 4 Pro Bowls with the team. But after retiring from football following the 2007 season, he didn’t retire from gunslinging. He worked with other former players to commit medical care fraud. That’s worth mention, an honorable one at that.
*Not in the sense that the idea for prestigious Gunslinger Top 25s sprouted from Kodak Black’s song “Super Gremlin”—that would have been a wonderful moment of gunslinging revelation that the Scribes of Old would love to record, but would be a little too convenient for the good gunslinging faithful of future generations to really believe. But rather the word “inspire” is used here in the sense that Kodak Black, primarily through the song “Super Gremlin,” is a walking, talking, breathing, rapping gunslinging inspiration to us all.
**Some say International Holiday. Let’s see what the voters say about this—and Bobby Bonilla Day’s gunslinging status in general—in next year’s prestigious Poll.
***If your employer is not paying you time-and-half on Bobby Bonilla Day, it would be a prudent gunslinger move to go to HR or your State’s Department of Labor.
****Honorable gunslinging actions, in actuality.