The Gunslinger Top 25
Your #1 High Noon Poll
The World’s Highest-Ranked Gunslingers
in
the Year of Our Gunslinger, 2023
Brett Favre
He’s number 4 in your program (when you have an old, collectible Packers game program laying around), but number 1 in our hearts (when we are doing gunslinger rankings). How could this gunslinger lose his spot? Keats said, “A thing of beauty is a joy for ever” and so is a dick pic. Once something is on the Other Internet, it doesn’t go away or get erased; it listens to Dylan Thomas by not going “gentle into that good night.” Is there any higher level of gunslinging than being a famous person sending a picture of your genitalia wearing only crocs? Maybe, actually. For this gunslinger understands that society has changed its approach to Robin Hooding over the last few centuries since the days of the Merry Men, early gunslingers, and now steals from the poor. His interception record still stands as does his spot atop these rankings as a testimony to what one can really accomplish in life when they throw football and text messages around without worrying about the results.
Antonio Brown
The fact that AB was able to jump up a spot in the list from last year, despite being a year further removed from his time in the NFL, is a testament to his gunslinging nature. Not only has he been active on social media, with gunslinging posts, he has also been active in the football world, actively running an empire (the Albany Empire) into the ground, while perhaps taking his gunslinging ambitions a little too far by threatening players with an actual gun. While Pro Football Talk’s Mike Florio calls AB’s gunslinging ways a “tired subject,” he can’t seem to resist the natural allure of gunslinging and does a great job of summarizing some of it while ironically lamenting why the media continues to do just that. We all need to do a better job of not only accepting, but also embracing, the fact that society loves gunslingers. If gunslinging is a “tired subject,” feed me heaps more of this fatigue because I, along with the rest of this somewhat civilized world, love it!
Kodak Black
Kodak Black drops a spot through no fault of his own, but simply AB’s persistence as a gunslinger and the fact we are a year removed from Kodak Black’s seminal gunslinger album Back for Everything featuring the gunslinging classic “Super Gremlin.” This song apparently inspired the gunslinging of AB; after Brown famously (in gunslinging circles) or infamously (in non-gunslinging circles) took off his jersey, shoulder pads, and shirt mid-game, he Tweeted a picture of himself with the “cryptic” (in non-gunslinging circles) but clear as day (in gunslinging circles) caption: Super Gremlin. Kodak Black provides definition in his song to what gremlin means: “I knew the Perc was fake, but I still ate it cuz I'm a gremlin.” One could fairly surmise if such an action is just “gremlin” that “super gremlin” is a level above that, perhaps what AB did, and thus AB deserves a spot above Kodak Black. Now Kodak Black may not be back for “everything,” but he is back for the # 3 spot of the world’s top gunslingers.
Gremlins
Gunslinging doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Gunslinging does not happen alone. Like theatre, where the audience and actors feed of each other’s energy, gunslinging is also artfully reciprocal. The influence of the Gremlins is clear. Bursting onto the scene with their 1984 self-titled classic Gremlins they revolutionized not only Christmas movies, but also brought gunslinging behavior into the mainstream, as very few gunslingers before the Gremlins make these rankings. They followed up with a sequel in 1990 and plan to cap off the trilogy sometime soon, though there is evidently so much gunslinging packed into Gremlins 3 that the production has continually been delayed. Good gunslinging is worth the wait, and worth the #4 spot on a prestigious Top 25 Poll.
Jim Harbaugh
Is it cheating? Or is it gunslinging? Is it stealing? Or is it gunslinging? These are the important philosophical questions of our time, the Era of the Gunslinger. Harbaugh’s meteoric rise in the Gunslinging Rankings is hugely impressive, similar to defeating rival Ohio State 3 straight times en route to winning the Big Ten Title 3 straight years while serving two 3-game suspension along the way, the first for alleged recruiting violations and the second for the sign-stealing scandal. In other words, he was suspended for gunslinging. But his gunslinging ways are not new, having led both Stanford and the 49ers back to prominence, only to burn bridges in each place. As a player, he was a gunslinging quarterback who wanted to play so badly while buried deep on the 1987 Bears depth chart behind Jim McMahon, Mike Tomczak, and others that he successfully begged his way onto special teams. He eventually became a starting quarterback, playing his best in 1995 when he earned a trip to the Pro Bowl and brought the Colts within a dropped Hail Mary of a trip to the Super Bowl. But perhaps his most legendary gunslinger moment came in 1992 while quarterbacking the Bears for gunslinging coach Mike Ditka, who did not want Harbaugh calling audibles on the road in Minnesota because he felt the loud crowd would make the communication too difficult. Up 20 to nothing in the 4th quarter, Harbaugh decided to call and audible anyway, resulting in a pick-6 that sparked not only one of the biggest 4th quarter meltdowns—as the Vikings came back to win 21-20—but also one of the biggest sideline meltdowns, as Mike Ditka was none-too-pleased with Harbaugh.
Jose Canseco
When Canseco retired in 2002, he was just 38 homers shy of 500 and 58 strikeouts south of 2,000, which would have been quite the gunslinger accomplishments, on par with him becoming the inaugural member of the 40/40 club (40 home runs; 40 stolen bases) during his 1988 MVP season. Since retirement, Canseco jacked up his gunslinging credentials through his 2005 landmark steroids tell-all Juiced. Being in the steroid scandal spotlight did not deter him from a great gunslinger move just a few years later as he tried to smuggle steroids across the Mexico-United States border. He is a true gunslinger. A gunslinger on steroids. Literally. He continued to beef up his gunslinging physique with a series of below-A-list celebrity appearances on reality shows and boxing matches, which reached their gunslinging height in 2011 when Jose tried to have his twin brother Ozzie fill in for him. Classic twin gunslinging. The Cansecos only got caught because because Ozzie lacks the tattoos, the biceps, or the #6 spot on a prestigious Poll that his twin Jose has. If you want to tell twins apart, don’t look at the their face or their genetic profile: look at their gunslinger resume.
Marc-André Fleury
Fleury ended 2023 just one win behind Patrick Roy all the all-time list for NHL goalies. On one hand, it seems like the gunslinging goalie could have picked up some more wins to begin the 2023/2024 NHL season, but the up-and-down uncertainty of his play between the pipes is a healthy part of what keeps him so high up on this list. It is gunslingingly impressive that Fleury has been able to rack up consistent gunslinging totals—he is also third all-time in playoffs wins and shutouts (tied for the latter)—while being pulled for some of the most important moments in his career, such as the Pens most recent back-to-back Stanley Cups, where Matt Murray stepped in for Finals after Fleury had some good gunslinging efforts to get them that far. Even before that, anti-gunslinging advocates questioned his play in comparison to his backups. But rather than simply being the beneficiary of good teams, as haters suggest, maybe Fleury helps make those teams so good by being such a great teammate. Here’s the other thing doubters don’t understand: a good gunslinger. Playing goalie at the highest level is like (a colder version of) the sun beating down on you as there is about to be a High Noon gunslinging showdown at any moment when you are patrolling the net and waiting for a hard puck to come flying at high speeds towards your noggin. Backup gunslingers might be able to handle that heat from time to time, but can they do that for nearly 1,000 regular season games and nearly 100 postseason matches? They haven’t. Who would you rather have defending your town, some Plan B gunslinger that has to bounce around from place to place looking for a team that trusts them at High Noon, or the 7th best gunslinger in the world?
Lil Wayne
Writing his first rap song at the age of 8, joining the Hot Boys at 14, and dropping his first solo album at 17, Lil Wayne was gunslinging before he was old enough to vote. The man is prolific, with 13 solo albums featuring high-level and influential rapping as well as some subpar tracks. While Lil Wayne has had your typically gunslinging lawsuits, arrests, incarceration, presidential pardons, and some high-profile feuds over the years with the likes of Juvenile and Jay-Z, which help his gunslinging credentials, it is his friendships that help him land this high on the list. Brett Favre. Wayne, a long-time Packers fan, has been a long-time Brett Favre supporter. Favre prayed for Lil Wayne and supported him while in prison, lifting his spirits. The Milwaukee Sentinel Journal asked “So what do Brett Favre and Lil Wayne Have in Common?” Without even reading the article, we know the answer. Gunslinging.
Bobby Bonilla Day
July 1st. For many, it is just another time another month’s rent is do. For 40 million Canadians, it’s Canada Day. For the New York Mets, it’s the time when they pay Bobby Bonilla another nearly 1.2 million USD even though he never played for them in this specific millennium. The fiscal year commonly begins July 1st and what a fiscally great day it is for Bonilla, and will be all the way out until 2035 when the ‘ole gunslinging slugger will turn 72 and have to find another way to get handed over a million bucks annually as the payments, and this holiday (and perhaps its place on such a prestigious poll), will finally sadly come to an end. Bonilla was first signed by the Mets in 1992, making him the highest paid player in the NL, before rejoining them for 1999 season. It was this second short stint where the cash-strapped Mets owed Bonilla just under 6 million, but agreed to pay almost 30 million in deferred payments and create this awesome international holiday, making July 1st an eclipsed holiday in Canada where patriotic fervor is unleashed by celebrating Canada Day alongside Bobby Bonilla Day—without the world have to go dark for a few minutes. #GunslingingMiracle There are many important gunslinging elements surrounding all of this, which are too numerous to go into detail here, but not least of which include the crazy Mets manager, Bobby Valentine, who claimed to have invented the wrap and was not so fond of Bonilla as the two constantly clashed, culminating with Bonilla playing cards, a quintessential gunslinger activity, in the clubhouse with fellow gunslinger Rickey Henderson in extra innings of NLCS Game 6 as the Mets were being eliminated by the Braves. But Bonilla has gotten the last (financial) laugh and amazingly has a second deferred contract with the Mets and Orioles that earns him another half of million annually, but will prematurely (by his own high gunslinging standards) run dry by 2030. These instances in the 1990s of the Mets acquiring Bonilla’s services perhaps paved the way for a lot of unsuccessful big spending by the big market franchise that continues to this day. Additionally, deferred contracts now seem to be in, most notably Shohei Ohtani’s gargantuan gunslinging contract with the Dodgers with a massive majority of it deferred. Did Ohtani note that Bobby Bonilla Day moved up a spot from last year—because that’s how interest and deferred payments work—and want to earn a place in these rankings? Possibly. Only time will tell. And with Bobby Bonilla Day, time is on your side. If your employer complains about your demands to get your deserved time-and-a-half holiday pay on Bobby Bonilla Day, remind them that they are fortunate to not owe you millions, like the holiday demands, and you are instead asking for a very modest amount. Please let us know how such conversations go. #FairLaborPractices
Eli Manning
Eli Manning not only bested Tom Brady in 2 Super Bowls, but also survived Brady’s attempts to play forever and surpass him in interceptions, falling one intercepted gunslinging throw short. Manning also consistently bests Brady on these rankings, where Brady, who is such a non-gunslinger he doesn’t even drink coffee, is nowhere to be found, except when articulating what a gunslinger is not. Manning earns his spot on this list by being the only player to legitimately threaten two records belonging to the top gunslinger, Brett Favre: his career interceptions and consecutive games started for a QB. While Manning ultimately fell short of both, he made a good go of it. Manning had an all-or-nothing gunslinging attitude, perhaps best epitomized in his policy of only winning playoff games if the Giants would go on to win the Super Bowl. He now co-hosts his popular MNF show where he verbally gunslings his older brother Peyton, a better NFL QB but lesser gunslinger whose constant audibling (the most gunslinging of which he plagiarized from Eli) would not have gone over so well in the Wild West—definitely not as well his Eli’s top ten gunslinging.
Allen Iverson
Drafted first overall after his gunslinging days at Georgetown, Iverson immediately lived up to the hype by winning Rookie of the Year in 1997. His NBA career peaked four years later in 2001 when he won All-Star Game MVP, League MVP, and led the 76ers to the NBA Finals where they won the first game against the Lakers dynasty, but eventually dropped the next four. His gunslinging career peaked with one of the most gunslinging press conferences of all time, which led to spoofs and parodies—even by the great gunslinger himself and became a Hall of Fame moment in his Hall of Fame NBA and gunslinging career. The man was a walking gunslinging highlight reel waiting to happen, and so he walks confidently right up to spot #11 on this prestigious Poll. So when your kid asks for help with their homework researching the world’s #11 gunslinger in 2023, you already know The Answer. #ParentOfTheYear #TeacherOfTheYear
Dolly Parton
She has written and recorded thousands of songs, 26 of which have reached No. 1 on the country charts. Even at 77, she is not slowing down, releasing her 49th album* Rockstar in order to justify her 2022 induction into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, a type of gunslinging integrity rare not only in gunslinging circles, but in any circles. Her respect in the music world can be seen by the who’s-who list of famous musicians who collaborated with Parton on her latest album, hoping to get a step closer to their own inclusion into the Gunslinger Rankings, or at least of taste of such eliteness by proxy through their association with a great gunslinger like Parton. A smart move as Parton continues to climb rankings, proving one can hone their craft as a gunslinger at any age.
Babe Ruth
He retired with the not only the most home runs in MLB history, but also the most strikeouts. True gunslinging numbers for a true gunslinger pacesetter. Numerous movies have been made featuring Babe Ruth, which is a mark of a high-level gunslinger (citation: Westerns). Obviously though, pitching is a naturally the most gunslinging position on the baseball diamond, and Ruth hurled over 100 complete games with a career 2.28 ERA. His prowess on the mound was somewhat beginning to fade from the public memory as it slipped further into the past until recently when a new gunslinger, Shohei Ohtani, rekindled the spotlight on Ruth’s gunslinging abilities, helping Ruth stay high on this list and giving Ohtani a goal to hopefully one day reach.
Shohei Ohtani
A truly international gunslinger. In Japan he was a five-time Nippon Professional League All-Star and 2016 Japan Series champion. But, wanting to improve his gunslinging visibility,** he came to the United States to spotlight his craft, immediately earning American League Rookie of the Year in 2018. Being named an A.L. All-Star the last 3 years and winning the league MVP 2 out of the last 3 years, his gunslinging credentials only continue to rise at an astonishing pace. A huge part of Ohtani’s high entry onto this list is his ability to both hit and pitch, matching (or perhaps on his way of doing so) the rare gunslinging ability of his predecessor, Babe Ruth, the person he is most often compared to both in the baseball world and the gunslinging world. Ohtani made another wise gunslinging move to take a step closer to Hollywood in switching over to a more visible Southern California franchise in the Los Angeles Dodgers by signing a gunslingingly massive contract including hugely deferred sums in what appears to be a tip of the cap to Bobby Bonilla Day and display of respect to gunslingers than came before him. Such a knowledge and awareness of gunslinging history will obviously continue to aid Ohtani in his goals, but an elbow injury that will keep him off the mound for 2024 will test his ability to gunsling with such veracity and maintain a spot so high on this list, within gunslinging distance of the Babe.
Ja Morant
Ja Morant was picked second overall in the 2019 NBA Draft right behind his buddy, the ultra-talented Zion Williamson. But it did not take long for Morant to exceed him not only on the court of basketball, but also in the court of law (with more appearances there than Williamson), and in the court of gunslinging (more appearances here as well). Morant won the 2020 NBA Rookie of the Year and has appeared in 2 All-Star games. Not only is he good, but he is also a walking highlight reel. But such accolades and YouTube tributes were not enough for him as the youth today are all about the Instagram reels. He had still yet to make a reputable Gunslinging Poll and he saw Instagram reels were his ticket #Foresight. So he waved a gun a few times on Instagram and, appropriately enough, here he is. Classic feel-good story. His gun-waving escapades may have cost him up to $50 million—a small price to pay for becoming the 15th best gunslinger in the world.***
2Pac
Tupac Shakur is not only a beloved figure here at Sweet Livin’ Productions, he is the greatest rapper of all time and a great gunslinger, despite being murdered at the age of 25 back in 1996. 2Pac was certainly gunslinging while alive, having multiple albums go platinum, but continued to gunsling from the grave****, with even more albums going platinum. 2Pac also excelled as an actor, but did have his run-ins: such as the infamous one with the Hughes brothers, which was indicative of his gunslinging nature. 2Pac was never afraid to speak his mind, and he did it very eloquently in music, poetry, and acting. 2Pac may not be on top of these rankings—but does move up a spot from last year as he re-entered the public consciousness (which he never should leave) with one of the suspects in his murder finally being arrested this year and it is unlikely***** he will ever leave this list, as he continues to gunsling in many forms, including every Friday here through 2Pac Fridays.
Nasty Boys
There are various groups and songs with a similar name or moniker, but we are referring to the Cincinnati Reds bullpen trio that was together for two years, but made their fame—and this list—for fueling the Reds wire-to-wire World Series run and the last championship for the city of Cincinnati. Their legal names are Rob Dibble, Randy Myers, and Norm Charlton; but their gunslinger names are the “Nasty Boys.” What is a Nasty Boy? Rob Dibble defines it: “a guy who really works his tail off on the field, has a good time, tries to earn the respect of his peers, and just is basically kind of a cut above the regular player. He wants to be fair and square, but with a little intimidation added in.” The Nasty Boys were all of that, and more—Dibble’s definition leaves off a lot of the antics that earned him, all by himself, the 8th best gunslinger in last year’s Poll. The nicest of the Nasty Boys, Norm Charlton, has what is sometimes considered the defining moment of the Reds World Series season, with this gutsy, nasty play from a relief pitcher in running over a catcher like he’s Pete Rose in an All-Star Game. If that is the kindest and gentlest gunslinging move the Nasty Boys made, can you imagine their other gunslinging behavior?
Barry Sanders
1,000 yards is a season milestone for NFL running backs. It took Barry Sanders a whole career, but he ran for over 1,000 negative yards—the most in NFL history. He also had a playoff game against the Pack where he ran for -1 yard. Does that make him a great gunslinger or a guy that ran behind an offensive line for one of pro sports’ most pathetic organizations the last 50 years? Both. While Sanders loved to go for the home run and was known for dancing behind the line, we argue that a lot of that fancy footwork was forced by a subpar O-Line that gave Sanders no choice. The Lions just recently captured their first division title since Sanders suited up for them decades ago and have a chance to win their first playoff game since Sanders’ playing days. As good as Sanders was in the NFL, had he been on a better team, we believe would have put even more insane numbers like he did at Oklahoma State University: after waiting his turn backing up fellow Hall of Famer Thurman Thomas, Sanders rushed for 2,628 yards (averaging 7.6 yards a carry) and 37 TDs in 11 games during his 1988 Heisman campaign that may be the greatest college season of all-time. It certainly has produced some of the best highlights of all-time. Had Sanders ran behind the Dallas Cowboys offensive line of the early 90s, likely the best unit in NFL history that propelled Sanders’ contemporary Emmitt Smith to the most rushing yards ever, we would have seen those college numbers duplicated or even exceeded in video game proportions. Yes, Sanders was that good. Unfortunately, he was so good that he juked Rod Woodson out of his ACL to begin the Steelers 1995 Super Bowl season, likely juking the Steelers out of their fifth Lombardi Trophy as Woodson could only play sparingly in that heart-wrenching final game where the hated Cowboys delivered Pittsburgh their first-ever Super Bowl defeat. While of course Sanders would not want to known for hurting anyone, he also does not want to be known for any of his football accolades, always having avoided media attention and praise for his gridiron feats. He is truly a humble gunslinger.
Shakira
Shakira started gunslinging at a young age, releasing 3 albums in her teens. Her 1990s albums were Spanish-only; when she began translating her songs into English and came out with Laundry Service in 2001, her gunslinging expanded from Latin America to across the globe, fueled by the success of “Whenever, Wherever.” Since then, her multilingual gunslinging has continued with consistently amazing and fresh music, including this 2023 Year of Our Gunslinger with tracks like “El Jefe.” Perhaps more importantly, from a gunslinging perspective, Shakira settled her tax fraud lawsuit with the Spanish Government in a move that echoes Eminem’s famous line “I just settled all my lawsuits; f*ck you, Debbie!” and may pave the way for even more gunslinging moving forward.
1970s Pittsburgh Running Backs
Tony Dorsett and Franco Harris: two Hall of Famers with strong ties to the Burgh. Dorsett was a star there when the Pitt Panthers won their last National Championship in 1976 (before winning the Super Bowl the following year with the Cowboys, before losing the Super Bowl the year thereafter against the Steelers and Franco Harris). Harris went to Penn State before making the Immaculate Reception in 1972 and becoming a cornerstone of the Steelers 70s dynasty. They finished their careers with exactly 170 games in the NFL and exactly 90 fumbles, making them co-all-time leaders among running backs putting the ball on the turf. Also making them winning gunslingers who racked up yards and TDs while leading their teams to victory after victory. We lost Franco Harris unexpectedly at the end of 2022, but the Steelers won one for Franco at home against the Raiders right after his death, dodging a losing season once again, something the Steelers haven’t had since 2003 when many of these great gunslingers on this prestigious Poll hadn’t even matured into full-grown adults. We will never lose the memories of Franco and we have gained him here on this list, where we honor him.
Jimmy Butler
Some call him Playoff Jimmy; we prefer Jimmy Buckets, but you can’t go wrong with either as this is a gunslinger deserving of the nicknames. Thrown out of his home at 13, he did not let that hold back his gunslinging ways. From high school to junior college to Marquette to the NBA, Jimmy Buckets has constantly been improving and honing his gunslinging craft, culminating with bringing his gunslinging talents to South Beach in 2019 and immediately leading them to the NBA Finals that season and once again this year, The Year of Our Gunslinger, 2023. A fashionable gunslinger, his gunslinging goes off the court with possible extracurricular gunslinging in the NBA Bubble. By pure grit and determination, this great gunslinger has gunslung his way into future Hall of Fame discussion as well as the coveted spot of the world’s 21st best gunslinger in 2023.
Cincinnati Bengals Touchdown Celebrations
The Cincinnati Bengals organization has has some bleak years since founder Paul Brown died in 1991, reaching peak embarrassment when being sued by the county for “misleading” taxpayers to pay for the new stadium that was promised to host a “competitive” team. But one thing the Bengals have always done right is touchdown celebrations. When Bengals rookie running back Ickey Woods debuted the Ickey Shuffle in 1988, it spurred them to within a Joe Montana miracle drive of a Lombardi Trophy. The Ickey Shuffle celebration was so good that, in a turn of course not seen since the 1933 Repeal of Prohibition, the NFL reversed course on banning it. Unfortunately, Woods’s career was cut short by injuries, but he still managed a whopping 27 touchdowns on just 332 career carries, a ratio that would have Fantasy nerds giving all sorts of gunslinging advice—while doing the Ickey Shuffle. Chad Ochocinco/Johnson took the baton and carried on Cincinnati’s great endzone celebration tradition without disappointing—and continues on to this day, with a song and music video and spot on this great list.
Josh Allen
The NFL’s premier up-and-coming gunslinger, Allen has became the face of Western New York gunslinging and Buffalo sports by leading the Bills back to contention for the first time since Jim Kelly’s no-huddle gunslinging powered the Bills to four straight Super Bowl losses in the early 90s. Allen has maintained this Buffalo tradition of “always the bridesmaid but never the bride” through a propensity for poor decisions, often resulting in turnovers, having impressively thrown for double-digit interceptions in 5 of his first 6 seasons, only missing the mark in2019 when personal issues likely distracted him from throwing more interceptions. Allen is in an ideal situation to climb the gunslinging charts. First of all, the Bills namesake is a famous gunslinger himself, Buffalo Bill Cody, which they multiplied through the genius gunslinging use of plural on a guy’s first name, unheard of elsewhere in sports nicknames. Second, the history of the legendary K-Gun offense makes this an ideal spot for continued gunslinging. Third, the Lake Effect—such a gunslinging weather phenomenon that the National Weather Service has dedicated its very own webpage to it—a very high honor indeed which businesses throughout Western New York Xerox****** by incorporating the Lake Effect into their names and services. And rightly so as the Lake Effect can cause a lot of crazy weather, most famously its gunslinging snow. Josh Allen has unbelievable gunslinging talent and is in unbelievably great gunslinging conditions. Will he live up to his gunslinging potential? Only time will tell.
1993 Philadelphia Phillies
The 2008 Philadelphia Phillies beat the Tampa Bay Rays in the World Series. The 1980 team beat the Kansas City Royals in the World Series. Both were out gunslung by the 1993 squad who ultimately lost to the Toronto Blue Jays in the Fall Classic, but won the hearts and minds in the Gunslinging Classic—a timeless classic not limited to any one particular season. The Chicago Tribune noted the Phillies “bitter enemies” were “soap, shaving cream, Slim-Fast” and they loved being dubbed (opposite of their NLCS opponent, the Braves', self-given moniker of “America’s Team”) ”American’s Most Wanted,” which ultimately became closer to reality in baseball retirement with key figures Darren Daulton and Lenny Dykstra consistently getting arrested, most entertainingly when Dykstra masterminded a grand theft auto scandal, something noticeably absent from the resume of key Braves figures in retirement, who often ended up spending their golden years surrounded by bronze plaques in Cooperstown. But while Dykstra and his propensity for chewing tobacco may have epitomized the team’s image, it was Mitch “Wild Thing” Williams who was the gunslinger taken literally out of Hollywood’s casting of Major League’s Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn played by Charlie Sheen, a winning gunslinger himself. Williams had insanely awesome gunslinging mechanics, immortalized when he gave up one of the most famous home runs in history, which to Williams gunslinging credit he continued to poke fun at himself years afterwards: owning it just like a good gunslinger should. All of this classic gunslinging and we didn’t have space to sufficiently get into vintage gunslinger John Kruk. The 1993 Phillies were truly a throwback group of gunslingers.
(Tied) Samuel L. Jackson
When you ask the Other Internet, which claims to know everything nowadays, how many movies Samuel L. Jackson has been in, they answer, “at least 154”*******. The guy has been in so many movies the Other Internet doesn’t even know for certain! That is a the mark of a true gunslinger, outgunslinging the Other Internet. But it’s not the pure volume that is most crucial here; it’s the pure inconsistency. Jackson has been in classicly good movies and classicly bad ones, a classic mark of a classic gunslinger. Good movie; bad movie—this gunslinger doesn’t give a damn. But we do give a damn, about his good gunslinging.
(Tied) Neil Young
Good music; bad music—this gunslinger doesn’t give a damn. Neil Young has written so many songs that, in classic Other Internet list-loving style, Rolling Stone ranked his 100 Greatest Songs. But not all of his songs were great: he was once sued by his own record company for putting out an (allegedly) terrible album. Young was also a pioneer in music beef: his notorious rivalry with Lynyrd Skynyrd paved the way for more cardinal direction musical rivalries to come and help ensure Young a coveted invitation—even if in somewhat of a “plus one” fashion—to this Prestigious Poll: a true Gunslingers Gala if there ever were one.
Honorable Mention: Bret Saberhagen’s Contract
While sharing the first name with the world’s premier gunslinger may help, the fact Brett Favre spells his name with an extra “t” may be indicative of his superior gunslinging ways. But the lesser Bret does have great gunslinging credentials on the mound being a remarkably modest 3-time All-Star given his 2 Cy Youngs and World Series MVP, the latter 2 achievements when viewed in a non-gunslinging vacuum could be mistaken by the ignorant observer for lines on a Hall of Fame resume. But all of that was simply Saberhagen setting himself up for closing his own gunslinging deal (#76CareerCompleteGames), for Saberhagen himself to sign a gunslingingly deferred contract, which would inspire Bobby Bonilla’s later more-famous deferred payments, eventually paving the way for the great gunslinging holiday known as Bobby Bonilla Day. While new baseball people may not call that “a quality start,” they are right; it is much more than that—it is an honorable gunslinging start.
*Official numbers, via sources on the Other Internet, vary, which only amplifies her gunslinging credentials. She has written and recorded so many songs, so many albums, that no on seems to know the exact amount.
**unfortunately, we admittedly do not do as good of a job as we should in looking internationally for our gunslingers. This is an area we look to improve upon and demonstrate growth in as we move towards more evolved gunslinging future.
***When they say, “You can’t bring it with you to the grave,” the “it” they are referring to is “money,” not “gunslinging credentials” because you can bring your gunslinging credential with you to the grave (citation: Babe Ruth, the world’s 13th best gunslinger, who currently resides in the Gate of Heaven Cemetery in New York).
****metaphorically speaking, as his cremation helped sparked many conspiracy theories on the Other Internet.
*****In fact it is certain 2Pac will never leave this list. If 2Pac were ever to leave this list, the list would be dead, null & void.
******antiquated, and possibly defunct, Western New York reference to Xerox being founded in Rochester.
*******At time of publication of this prestigious Gunslinging Poll.