The Mount Rushmore

of

Gunslinger Liquor

Everyone knows that in the Old Wild West, gunslingers would strut into a bar called a saloon, where the bartender would already have a shot ready for the gunslinger who would immediately guzzle it down without a grimace.

Just like a good gunslinger should.

But what exactly were they drinking? What brands?

No one will ever know.

But what should you drink as a modern-day gunslinger?

We know.

And we will share that knowledge right here. #IntellectualDiscourse #MountRushmores #NationalParks #OpenToThePublic

Black Velvet Whisky

Black Velvet Whisky is a gunslinging staple. Many factors contribute to this fact.

Low cost means more allowance for a gunslinging-style care of the bottle because if you happen to carelessly drop the bottle, the bottle will likely just bounce rather than break because of the plastic precautions the company has wisely taken to prepare for such a possibility. And if you did happen to lose the contents of the bottle through spillage, you have not lost your life savings because of the customer-friendly price tag. Additionally, the budget price allows for greater quantities of consumption that result in more gunslinging ideas which often end up on the Sweeter of Internets.

Black Velvet Whisky is so great that a great song was written about it so that it could eventually be featured on our prestigious Mount Rushmore of Songs Named After Alcohol.

Black Velvet Whisky also brings a grittier, no-nonsense (excluding the nonsense of unnecessarily good taste, for instance) down-to-earth (possibly with some actual earth included) flavor that is less prominent in other members of this Mount Rushmore but are prominently featured on the Mount Rushmore of Cheap, Disgusting Canadian Whisky for its high scores on the flavor-divided-by-cost scale. In other words, Black Velvet Whisky is almost certainly more closely associated than anything else on this Mount Rushmore with something Rueben J. “Rooster” Cockburn might have drank, whether portrayed by John Wayne or Jeff Bridges: Black Velvet Whisky displays True Grit. Or, one could say as it appears conspicuously recognizably on this Mount Rushmore: Black Velvet Whisky is the face of True Grit.

And so too it gives that opportunity to those who consume its gritty, gunslinging properties. If you drink Black Velvet Whisky, you can be a gritty gunslinger too.

The gunslinging inspirations of Black Velvet Whisky are seemingly endless. Because they are endless.

And affordable.

An ever-entwined dynamic we will do our best to make sure never gets unwound.

Hennessy

Do we really think gunslingers in the Old Wild West were actually consuming Hennessy? Of course not. But here we are talking about the modern-day gunslinger, many of whom are in a higher tax bracket than the Great Gunslingers of Old and thus may invest more USDs in their gunslinging imbibement choices than the Great Gunslingers of Old could afford to.

It’s only the natural progression of man (citation: Darwin, Charles).

Additionally, part of gunslinging is taking chances, making investments, like alcohol, that may better and more responsibly be spent elsewhere, like food, shelter, or Sweet Livin’ Merch.

To put our gunslinging money where are gunslinging mouths are, in constructing this Mount Rushmore in accordance to the optimal design it's worthy of, we bought some Hennessy on the great gunslinging line of credit known as the airline-mileage-points-producing credit card, just to remind our taste buds of what Hennessy tastes like to ensure its Mount Rushmore credentials were still valid, with it having been a long, winding, credit-repairing road of even being allowed to have credit cards after the youthful gunslinging days of old buying more-elevated-shelf alcohols like Hennessy without even the noble cause of research like this in mind or the income allegedly necessary to support such investments. Neither did our youthful spirits realize how quickly the arrival of the anti-gunslinging stagecoach, filled with representatives of Transunion and their associates relentless in anti-gunslinging advocacy, would arrive to remove the likes of Hennessy from our hands and unintentionally introduce us to other gunslinging liquors, like Black Velvet. #MakeLemonadeOutOfLemons #GunslingingOnAShoeString #TheyCanTakeOurExpensiveLiquorButTheyCanNeverTakeOurCheapLiquor #UnintendedConsequences

So this has been a circuitous path to the Hennessy point at hand: we cannot leave Hennessy off this Mount Rushmore because we can’t make the same mistake again. No, not the mistake of taking the gunslinging path to credit card debt (that will likely happen again), but rather the bigger, realer, gunslinger mistake which ultimately resulted in Metta Sandiford-Artest, formerly Ron Artest, earning the Most Notable Snubbed Gunslinger Award and becoming the first ever man, woman, or child to be honored as such. That mistake was leaving him off of Gunslinger Polls; awarding him the first-ever Most Notable Snubbed Gunslinger Award was our first step to repairing our gunslinger credit and integrity, measured by agencies other than Transunion, etc. While Ron Artest has never been formally employed as a spokesman for Hennessy to the best of our knowledge, he has done more for Hennessy in gunslinger circles than any of their official marketing ever has. Since the tradition of “Hennessy at Halftime,” where Artest would consume Hennessy during halftimes of NBA games, helped fuel then-named Ron Artest’s meteoric rise in gunslinging prominence, it would be inappropriate to snub Hennessy (thus Ron Artest/Metta Sandiford-Artest by proxy) here.

And so we don’t snub Hennessy or Ron Artest here. Rather, we honor them.

Also, additionally, 2Pac, whom we love here at SLP and celebrate every week with 2Pac Friday, has a song titled “Hennessy,” which is also–-like Black Velvet–-carved into the Mount Rushmore of Songs Named After Alcohol.

We could never let 2Pac down or disrespect him.

By the way, Hennessy actually tastes good. Really good.

In the end, Hennessy boasts a very complete gunslinging resume, “a great gunslinging profile,” as expert tasters might say.

A figure represented on a great Mount Rushmore, students of history might say. If they’ve enrolled in the right history class. #GoodTeachersAreImportant

Gunpowder Rye by New England Distilling

Was this gunslinging gunpowder first tried because of the name?

Yes. Of course.

Was such a decision-making process proved right?

Yes. Of course.

There is a lot of good going on here when we break down the name. It requires a discerning eye and critical thinking to properly analyze. Therefore, what follows is no simple preschool read aloud reflection after finishing another Pete the Cat.

Gunpowder is synonymous with gunslinging. When the all-time Gunslinger GOAT Brett Favre (citation: Gunslinger Polls) pulls the trigger on a pass that has a high probability of ending in something great or disastrous, there is proverbial gunpowder residue on his hands*. #Forensics

In addition, the only tea that gunslingers drink or even ever think of drinking (which is why there is not a Mount Rushmore of Gunslinger Tea) is Gunpowder Green Tea, which is how, along with the a strong naval capacity and automatic weaponry like the Maxim Gun, England conquered the world.

Beyond that, gunpowder also saved John James Rambo’s life as he used it to cauterize a wound in a “How To” scene that Hyyde would have later made if Sylvester Stallone had not already fulfilled that societal need.

After saving a hero's life, we can move forward to analyzing the Rye aspect of the name. Drinking Rye is always a good choice because of the amount of things it rhymes with, which allows you to design poetic alterations, like the great tailors of old, taking previously boring, worn, wan, and wearied historic quotes out of the superannuated moth-infested closet and restoring them to suitability, something you can proudly boast at a party; and, rather than be laughed at, be admired for your great sense of vintage fashion.

After offering the simple gentlemanly gesture of a gunslingingly generated great and grandiose preamble such as the above paragraph, you can then deliver your refurbished wisdom saturated in soberless sensibilities:

If at first you don’t succeed, Rye, Rye again.

Or:

Live and let Rye.

Or:

Live free or Rye.

But we must remember there are elements of poetry besides rhyming and so Rye’s poetic effects (enhancements) are not limited to rhyming, for there is also alliteration:

Ragged Old Rye

Or, if you happen to be drinking on a boat you would rather power by drinking Rye than rowing:

Rye, Rye, Rye your boat gently down the stream.

But perhaps in your poetic drunken stupor, you prefer assonance over alliteration:

But you shall shine more bright in these Rye contents.

Or maybe consonance:

Rye Rye, burning bright…

Rye has other honest schemes in mind as well:

Father, I cannot tell a lie: I drank that Rye.

Which the honest speaker cannot really be blamed for because:

Idle Rye is the Devil’s workshop.

The amount of proverbial wisdom Rye can provide is simply intoxicating:

Many Ryes make light work.

Or:

Rye killed the cat.

Or:

Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only Rye can do that.

Or, perhaps most profoundly:

Rye can travel halfway around the world while truth is putting on its shoes.

Rye can also be philosophical:

To Rye or not to Rye, that is the question.

While people can get gunslingingly philosophical and profound when drinking, sometimes they just like to belt out some tunes (citation: karaoke; Pubs, Irish):

Rye or Die

Or:

Get Rye or Die Tryin’

Or:

Rye-egade

Or:

Some Rye Over the Rainbow

Or:

What a Wonderful Rye

Or:

Rye, I’m Coming Home

Or:

The First Rye Is the Deepest

Or:

I Love the Way You Drink Rye

Or, if you want to be mysterious:

I’d Do Anything for Rye (But I Won’t Do That)

Or, mysterious in a different way:

You Oughta Rye

Or, at the end of a really long night of drinking Rye:

I Know I’ll Never Rye This Way Again

Or, after drinking Rye in Africa:

I Bless the Rye Down in Africa

Or, if you are graduating from something and want to play a once-popular-but-not-exactly-appropriate-to-the-occasion song:

Good Rye (Rye of Your Life)

Or, if you want to expand your knowledge base in an apprenticeship or mentor/protege dynamic:

I Want to Know What Love Is/I Want You to Show Me

Or if you want to speak directly to the Rye:

I’ll Be Watching You

And so on and so forth, for the list goes on and on of how people have improved quotes, art, and their own lives using Rye as their patent-less paintbrush during their ascension from “Rye to Riches” or “Rags to Rye,” whichever you feel is a more appropriate gunslinging interpretation of Horatio Alger stories.

If you do not understand the poetic nature of those improved quotes and songs, then you are not currently gunslinging Rye Whiskey. So, you only have yourself to blame. #PersonalResponsibility

In addition to its really terrific name that helps people finally understand poetry and firearm history, this Gunpowder Rye also tastes great. And it should: it is pretty costly. So we do have less experience with it than the Black Velvet Whisky. And you may want to limit your gunslinging in terms of how careful you are with the bottle as to not pour your hard-earned money down the drain or on your vintage luxury table linen (tablecloth, when not elevated by Rye) that is a family heirloom handed down to you by your beloved grandparents. Though spilling some on your shirt is probably a good replacement for cologne just as Rye is a good replacement for inadequate parts of famous quotes as seen above.

So tip back the Gunpowder Rye bottle, tip back your mouth, and let all the gunslinging liquor do its automatic poetic work, without getting any on your freshly-vacuumed carpet.

And to be clear, that is not because we are worried about you staining your carpet. We are worried about you staining your gunslinging resume by wasting good Rye. After all: “A Rye saved is a Rye earned.”

High West Double Rye

Tired of the low west bullshit? Then this is the gunslinger liquor for you. Doubling down on the gunslinger greatness of single Rye, this 46% alcohol Double Rye packs quite the punch in the low-oxygen levels of the High West. As such, it is the #1 liquor choice of gunslinger athletes who call Denver home as well as athletes anywhere preparing for an away game in the Mile High City (maybe Ron Artest can eventually back us up on this statement). This is the case even though it is distilled in Utah, a state with otherwise non-gunslinging liquor laws. This gunslinging liquor defies geographical location.

“Curated to highlight the wonderful, bold spice character that comes from high rye whiskies” this delicious Double Rye helps highlight the wonderful bold spice character of gunslingers when consumed–and it is “blended to be boldly sipped.”

As one of the Mount Rushmores (not ours here on this sweet internet) is high up on a South Dakota mountain (Mount Rushmore, to be specific), this High West Double Rye is appropriately also high up in the High West. Again, this is the case even though it is distilled in Utah, a state with otherwise non-gunslinging liquor laws. Again, this gunslinging liquor defies geographical location.

Like the great sales promotions of old–-whether it being BOGOs or Doublemint Gum really doing a number on single mint gum, which can no longer even be found in stores–-High West Double Rye really knows how to do right by the customer: you.

The power of doubling extends beyond the business world to entertainment, to the movies we have known and loved with stunt doubles, which the Other Internet raves about with list after list. Even hand doubles get in on the act.

The Indigo Girls–there are two of them, also in the entertainment industry–talked about the power of High West Double Rye in their song “Power of 2.”

And if we didn’t square numbers, like the Indigo Girls suggest, chaos would ensue.

Naturally, the power of 2 is the only doubling that is squaring, but general doubling is also important in the education of our youngsters.

Sometimes the doubling happens with simply the nature of Rye’s value:

A Rye in the hand is worth two in the bush.

But the math of Double Rye is also important as we grow into adulthood, with adult needs. If you are unsuccessful in fulfilling your fantasies of having a threesome, you can achieve a similar effect, at least mathematically, by spending some intimate time with Double Rye:

1 + 2 = 3

Canines loves Double Rye. At least canine lovers do. Not completely unlike a dog breeder multiplies dogs we all like, the High West really knows how to multiply the Rye we all know, like, and love.

But we started this Double Rye discourse by talking about the athletic benefits of drinking Double Rye and so we should conclude this with the athletic benefit of drinking Double Rye.

The chilly nights in the High West can remind us of the sport hockey, a sport played on ice where 2 assists can be credited for each goal, unlike more single-Rye-minded (but still Mount Rushmore-worthy) sports. And as at the time of this Mount Rushmore’s construction Wayne Gretzky still has more career assists than any other NHLer has points (#thankyoupowerofdoubling), and still is the NHL Goals King with Ovechkin still a couple (2) seasons away, we leave with his ever-important words of wisdom:

You miss 100% of the shots [of Rye] you don’t take.

[And your teammates miss 100 percent of those 2 assists available on those shots of Rye you don’t take]

Thank you High West Double Rye, the Great One.

*For that reason, criminals could reasonably claim to have drunk Gunpowder Rye when police find gunpowder residue on their hands after the dumb criminal has murdered someone and made some lousy, unbelievable excuse because they think they are smarter than the police and refused to get a lawyer first.

How England Built Their Empire.