The Mount Rushmore

of

Cheap, Disgusting Canadian Whisky

We love Canada. This is nothing against Canada. In fact, this is in favor of Canada. We are giving them a Mount Rushmore (just like France gave us the Statue of Liberty). It is a worthy Mount Rushmore. Life can be expensive and one cannot always afford the higher-end whiskies from Ireland available locally or may not enjoy the American whiskies, or may not be able to afford the ones they like.

That’s where the Cheap, Disgusting Canadian Whisky comes into play. For whatever reason, Canada has been able to monopolize the Cheap, Disgusting Whisky market in North America, at least in states that border Canada or are relatively close.

Because of all this, a Mount Rushmore needs to be made. Again, if you didn’t think Canada had a Mount Rushmore, think again. They now do. And rather than put American presidents on it, which would be arrogant and foolish (not to mention insensitive and only exasperate a sometimes hegemonic relationship), we have put purely Canadian products on this Mount Rushmore.

You may be wondering why this image is sideways. That is because gifts to different countries are supposed to be symbolic and the sideways nature of this picture symbolizes the sideways way you feel after imbibing in such product. (also we may not know at this time has to execute the simple function of adjusting the direction of images on Squarespace, which we do love by the way and would be on the Mount Rushmore of website platforms if we decide—or are commissioned to—construct one in the future).

It should also be noted that Black Velvet is in the center, because it is the best and most superior of the bunch. As such, it is in the most prominent position. Lord Calvert positioned itself right beside Black Velvet in order to share some of the glory and ride its coattails.

A Math & Economics Lesson

For those who like math, details, financials, transparency, and intellectualism, we will throw a little other knowledge your way here. It has always been noted that each of these Mount Rushmores has a monetary value of $400 (USD). Let’s breakdown those financials.

Whisky costs:

$20.99 (Seagrams—on sale from $24.99) + $15.99 (Canadian LTD—on sale from $18.99) + $17.99 (Lord Calvert—on sale from $21.99) + $21.99 (Black Velvet—not on sale due to high demand and high quality) = $76.96.

We did not factor in the bottle deposits because we will recycle. We did not factor in taxes because its our civic duty (also because it would lower the value of our intellectualism, as you will see below).

So we subtract the product value ($76.96) from the total Mount Rushmore value ($400) in order to see the value of the intellectualism on this page.

$400 - $76.96 = $323.04. So the intellectual value of this page/Mount Rushmore is $323.04 (USD). The intellectualism on this page is worth less than other similar Mount Rushmore constructions because Cheap, Disgusting Canadian Whisky does curb intellectualism—to a degree, 19.26% to be exact (76.96 /400 X 100).

This of course then begs the question: what happens to the $76.96 when the whisky is drank? Does the "$76.96 then revert back to the the intellectual value and raise it from $323.04 to $400? Or does something else happen with it? Because, as already established in the initial Mount Rushmore Construction page on this great website, the value of each Mount Rushmore remains constant at $400 (USD) regardless of outside factors. So what happens to that $76.96?

Scholars, debate…