Blue Hill Comedy

Blue Hill Comedy is a highly specialized form of comedy that is so rare it can only be found on one peninsula in North America, located in rural coastal Maine.

2015

Bias

We are in the age of specialization. This is not your great-ancestors’ epoch, like the Bronze Age or Iron Age where everyone and their grandma had a spear. No, nowadays you have to be unique if you want to bring home the good bacon. A doctor that specializes typically earns more than a general practitioner (it is more desirable, naturally, to be a urologist looking up buttholes, for instance, than to be your standard do-it-all primary care doc looking out for the whole family; that is simply the nature of this ass backward, anally-focused-on-specialization world we live in). The same is true in other fields as well. An NFL franchise that specializes in winning--like the Pittsburgh Steelers--is more valuable than a team like the Buffalo Bills, Tennessee Titans, or Carolina Panthers who mix winning with losing and thus lack a speciality.

Thus to be a man, woman, or child without a specialization in this day and age is to be a man, woman, or child without substantial value; a man, woman, or child with no sense of self-worth; a man, woman, or child with no direction; a man, woman, or child with no compass--moral, spiritual, or literal (people with specializations, like navigators and wilderness survivalists, surely own more compasses than the average generalized person). To lack a specialization nowadays is to be a man, woman, or child without a country, a modern-day Philip Nolan, passing from Navy warship to Navy warship, exiled in the terrifying sea of generalization, hoping beyond hope to one day tether your anchor in a mainland port of specialization, a gateway to reentering society, being part of humankind, and having people recognize your name. To lack a specialization is to be a treasure hunter with no treasure map, no pathway to prosperity in this world of rich and plenty (uniqueness). To lack a specialization is to be a pirate with no peg leg to stand on, forever sideways on the ship deck, never being able to stand upright and earn the respect of coworkers--or even look above the side of the ship to see the sea, or new lands that may offer new specializations if the landmines of syphilis can be avoided long enough to enjoy the fruits of such booty. To lack a specialization is to be a story with no plot, a joke with no punchline--or a punchline so common it is passed around town like your neighborhood Dad joke (slutty men those dads are, when it comes to jokes at least, for this is not the time or place to delve into implications of other promiscuities that could be harmful to familial relations). To lack a specialization is to be a Frequently Asked Question with no answer, or an answer so convoluted the reader has even more questions than before. To lack a specialization is to be a lover without a partner, an organized crime organizer without a partner in crime, a romantic without romance, a poet without poetry, a midnight mistress with no fetish to peddle. To lack a specialization is to be Henry Ford without the Fordism model of specialization, without the Model T, and thus without a great inheritance to leave his family to eventually buy the Detroit Lions and subsequently specialize in losing NFL games. To lack a specialization is to be like Blackbeard without ships to rob, Captain Ahab without Moby Dick to fuel his revenge, Popeye without spinach to fuel his requisite forearm structure that fuels Olive Oyl’s attraction, or in less seafaring terms: Jay Gatsby without that green light of Daisy to fuel hope, ambition, and the gluttonous extravagance necessary to make the Roaring Twenties a good time.

Yes, specialists are indeed special (citation: etymology).

Yes--if you don't seek advice from a model of success for choosing a specialization, it can be a very daunting and challenging task that many never fulfill in their lifetime, inevitably eventually resulting in a deathbed weighed down by a lifetime of regrets in addition to whatever unfortunate medical problems they may also be suffering from.

We will not bore you with the details of why we did not choose to specialize in something like Super Bowl-winning quarterback, international supermodel, real-estate mogul, rockstar, neurosurgeon, rocket scientist, or rare-stamp collector. We will simply say that our specialization is more interesting and requires more talent than some or one of those listed, like rare-stamp collector.

Sure. We chose this specialization over the above-mentioned urology in part because Blue Hill Comedians do not stoop to the toilet humor of fart jokes and prostate exams. We declined specializations like neurosurgery or rocket science because Blue Hill Comedy is rarer, perhaps contributing to the fact that your doc may refer you to an orthopedic surgeon but never a Blue Hill Comedian: they are out of network. We let others fill the roles of first responders because we did not want to cause more competition in a perpetually-difficult job market. We deferred the specialization of being wealthy because the Blue Hill Comedian is more elite than the one percent. So exclusive is the Blue Hill Comedian, in fact, so low is their percentage of existence in this increasingly crowded world, that Blue Hill Comedian rarity has yet to be quantified in numbers by any reputable news report or academic paper, perhaps because positive integer games are really boring.

We simply were not going to relegate ourselves to any profession that countless others have tried already, like some hipster or New England Patriots fan specializing in being annoying when millions of others have already done that.

Of course! You’re welcome.

We cannot delve into the details of our pre-patent pending (we have not applied yet or even begun to understand our own system) process we used to match ourselves with our specialization. However, we can suggest that you ask shorter questions, thus saving yourself and us a lot of time and annoyance. You can then use that saved time to do something useful in your life, like finding a specialization. Shorter questions will also likely be appreciated by your family (but please note, we specialize in Blue Hill Comedy and not family counseling; there are other specialists that specialize in that).

Blue Hill is actually more appropriate for stardom than Hollywood: Blue HIll, unlike Hollywood, consists of five villages--Blue Hill, Blue Hill Falls, East Blue Hill, North Blue Hill, and South Blue Hill--each possibly representing a point of the five-pointed star of stardom. Appealing to such a wide variety of tastes in such a diverse area (compared to even less diverse areas) is not easy (compared to even easier crowds, like laugh-track audiences).

Not as steep as the terrifically steep hill one must climb to reach the summit of Blue Hill Comedy specialization.

Blue Hill Comedians are funny. Blue Hill Comedians are genuine. Blue Hill Comedians do not “sell out” by playing in big, sold-out arenas appropriate for those general practitioners of comedy who lack the training, specified in nature, required of the Blue Hill Comedian.

Blue Hill Comedians also use a capital C instead of the lower case c other lesser comedians are fond of.

Because Blue Hill Comedians are specialized and thus are not common nouns. They also have larger penises than other comedians (note we did not capitalize the “c” in comedians here) and thus require larger letters. In other words, Blue Hill Comedy is a proper noun and Blue Hill Comedians are proper.

Noted, but please also note that Blue HIll Comedians abide by the highest ethical and moral standards known to comedy.

Certainly. That is because you have never had a Blue Hill Comedian as a patient.

You are humbly welcome.

Might it be possible that you are a loser, unsatisfied by life and unliked by the rest of the world, who needs to watch some Blue Hill Comedy to find some fulfillment in your empty life?

“Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, ‘I’m possible’!” Audrey Hepburn, guest FAQ answerer and famous dead British actress.

“The Universe is under no obligation to make sense to you,” Neil deGrasse Tyson, FAQ guest contributor (unknowingly), and astrophysicist (knowingly).

That might be a question more appropriate for an astrophysicist, but unfortunately Neil deGrasse Tyson is simply a guest contributor here.

No fear here. We will answer it. And we will do so directly.

It is possible--and we are just speculating here to be fair to deGrasse Tyson--that one may shy away from the courageous acts of answering these frequently asked questions on a full-time basis, preferring to answer the less frequently asked (and thus labor-requiring) questions pertaining to astrophysics as their main gig.

“The Universe is under no obligation to make sense to you,” Neil deGrasse Tyson, FAQ guest contributor (unknowingly), and astrophysicist (knowingly).

Frequently asked questions are by nature frequently asked--and thus by nature must be frequently answered, causing some repetitiveness. Would a gastroenterologist stop diagnosing hemorrhoids on a given Friday because they had already diagnosed a lot of hemorrhoids earlier that week? No, that would be medical malpractice. Similarly, we wish to maintain our integrity and avoid being sued by people suffering from hemorrhoids. We must uphold the same high levels of professionalism expected from our specialist colleagues like gastroenterologists; we cannot just "change things up" on the fly for the sake of making life more interesting for questioners of Frequently Asked Questions. We must be accurate. We must be meticulous. We must be precise.

How many negative comments have you made on YouTube videos you already knew you would not like before you watched them?

Blue Hill Comedy requires a certain level of intelligence (the amount necessary to recognize the obvious).

At various places in the beautiful five-star town.

PMAL.

Peninsula Metamorphic Arts & Learning.

It specializes in metamorphic activity (citation: their name) and cannot be found anywhere in the esteemed annals of anal activities of urology.

Yes, we have taken the time to provide a lot of citations and thus the answers are trustworthy.

Of course. Any drunk idiot with a keyboard can edit Wikipedia (citation: Wikipedia). Only very few select drunk idiots with keyboards have the power to answer or edit these FAQs.

Those places are near sea level. At PMAL, we literally perform on higher grounds, like Stevie Wonder would want.

Go up the hill out of the Blue Hill town center (in the opposite direction of Surry), straight through the roundabout in avoidance of any temptation to turn left for the Blue Hill Co-Op, continue straight on Mines Road--but not all the way to the Strong Brewing Company (though not a bad choice)--and stop at street number 139 on the right. Turn into the driveway, of course.

Or, ignore those directions and use your GPS like everyone else.

Because in the spirit of metamorphic arts, we transform non-laughter into laughter, in a very specialized manner.

No, it has been resurrected.

The Blue Hill Congo Church.

Yes, that is correct.

Probably maybe.

By laughing at our jokes. All of them. Even the ones that are not funny.

We will answer that question with another question: what are the ethics of asking such annoying questions?

We are glad you asked. We love W.H. Auden--and he would have certainly perhaps loved our specialized comedy.

We shall explain.

The only appropriate way to answer this question is in a meandering, indirect way that hopefully dizzies or confuses the reader into submission.

We shall proceed.

The fondness of rarity is not only common in the arenas of athletics and sports or medicine and science, but in nearly any mostly-redundant facets-of-life couplets you could conjure. It is quite true in love and romance. You commonly might hear rarity praised, ironically enough, in the cliches of lovers romancing each other: “You are my one and only true soulmate, whom I love more than anything else, [blah blah blah].” Conversely, you never hear: “You are one of millions of potentially good matches for me, and I love you like I love my urologist, who is rarer than my general practitioner, but I only picked because my general practitioner referred me to him or her, they were covered by my insurance plan, and I did not have to wait two years to make an appointment.” The variety of cliches in the initial hypothetical quote above was mocked by the pro-uniqueness movement and anti-cliche activist Auden, aided by a clock as his metronome, as he walked down Bristol Street one evening, perhaps hoping to stumble upon something as rare as a T206 Honus Wagner card that would show mortality can be overcome through rare cardboard (if that rare cardboard has been blessed by the presence of a Pittsburgh sports icon--as rare cardboard so rarely is).

Auden never found such proof as he never found such a baseball card, evidently, but he could have found that desired rarity in the Blue Hill Comedian--had he spent more time in Blue HIll than Europe and lived a half of a century longer (sometimes you need a dose of immortality to see the rarity of immortality, ironically enough). Blue Hill Comedy specialization is so rare, in fact, that it is also rarer than Hollywood stardom specialization, which is probably why no Hollywood star ever dared trying their craft in Blue Hill. You can find a whole sidewalk of such specialization in Hollywood while you can barely even find a sidewalk in Blue Hill, Maine--let alone one filled with stars.

Firstly, there is no “e” in Black Velvet Whisky.

Secondly, we take as a compliment your (correct) assumption about our discretion in choosing among the cheap Canadian whiskys offered locally.

Thirdly, please leave this website as neither negative energy or vulgar language will be tolerated here (unless in the form of high-end artistic expression or funny jokes).

Fourthly, watch your language—we are in a church (sometimes).

Lastly, you are welcome for our generosity and due diligence in answering at least three questions in this one question posed, however nasty and off-color (colour, for our Canadian and other Commonwealth country audience) it may have been.

Sit back and enjoy these videos of specialization.

Right here.