Voter’s Guide

for

Voting for your Favorite Bear

Get Out the Vote 

It is important to not only convince people of your bear being the best, but also to get out of the vote. If you convince a mind but they don’t vote in the Poll, your bear could lose.  More tragically, their voice may never be heard.   

Even more tragically for you, you may have to answer to answer the mother of your losing bear. And we all know how protective mother bears can be.

Vote Frequently/Stuff the Ballot Box  

You can (and should) vote as many times as you like.  Your dentist recommends brushing your teeth at least twice a day.  You should vote for your favorite bear at least twice a day–and after meals.  Your dentist also recommends flossing.  But no one likes flossing and you probably don’t do it anyway.  Ask your dentist if voting for your favorite bear is a good substitute for flossing.  Ignore your dentist’s response about this like you always do regarding flossing and proceed by voting daily in the poll instead and hope it helps your gum line.  

You don’t have to floss in heaven anyway, which is where you’ll eventually be if you help your favorite bear win this Poll.

Threaten to Leave Your Partner if They Don’t Vote 

If your partner would rather you leave them than simply take the time to vote for their favorite bear, they don’t really love you.   

Disregard Friends and Family Who Question Your Efforts  

Galileo was mocked for saying the sun was the new center of the universe.  Don’t miss your opportunity to be the next Galileo.  The Indigo Girls may write a song about you.   

Another Reason Being Involved in this a Sweet Livin’ Best Bear Poll Campaign is a Great Idea and Awesome (Often Articulated as Sweet Livin’)

Some people want to make election days holidays. If that happens and you are involved in a World Famous Sweet Livin’ Productions World’s Best Bear Poll Campaign, then everyday will be a holiday for you because everyday is an election day in a World Famous Sweet Livin’ Productions World’s Best Bear Poll.  You could eat cookies everyday!  

What if Some Bears are Splitting the Vote?  

For instance, there are Golden Bears for the Cal Sports teams and then the actual extinct Golden Bear itself.  What if they take shares of the same voting pool that would have gone to one that would have risen to the top?  A similar situation could happen with Staley Da Bear, Mike Ditka, and The Chicago Bears; the voting bloc of Chicago, the third largest Metropolitan area in the United States, may get split between these Windy City furry icons (and that is only considering the gridiron-related bears, before you throw the Chicago Cubs into the mix).

Similarly, as a subspecies of the Grizzly Bear, the Kodiak Bear may, in a way, take votes away from itself, from people–or fellow bears if internet access finally gets to more rural parts of Alaska–who may have otherwise voted Grizzly.  

If this bothers you, you can contact us directly for ways money may exchange hands to change the list in the future polls in a spirit that appropriately honors the centuries-old tradition of gerrymandering.  It may be making a generous donation to one of the charities we especially like, buying lots of Merch, or making a direct payment with seemingly no other reason than this traditional type of campaign corruption.  Unfortunately, we can only make changes to future polls and not current polls for reasons of integrity.  

Another option may be approaching the bears themselves and asking them to drop their candidacy.  But it would probably be more effective to give us loads of money.  We should also note that certain bears on the list should be approached with caution.  So it would actually be much safer to just give us the money directly.  We care about your health and wellbeing.  

For more about your health and wellbeing, check out this second part of this interview series on that very subject.