The Official Unofficial

SLP Polling Statement

AKA

The Word On The Street

AKA

Talk Around The Water Cooler

AKA

The Truth

In order to legitimately have an Official SLP Polling Statement, we of course must have an Unofficial SLP Polling Statement, lest the Official SLP Polling Statement be filled with unwarranted and unsubstantiated airs of officiality and superiority, a kind of pedantic and pious preaching staring down at the hoi polloi of regular words so much further and farther from the exclusive truth.

Therefore, this Official Unofficial SLP Polling Statement substantiates the Official SLP Polling Statement, now rendering all airs of importance and excellence of the Official SLP Polling Statement warranted and oxygen-packed.

But in order to separate the real Unofficial SLP Polling Statement from copycats and keyboard warriors of ill means on the Other Internet, we must assert ourselves humbly here with the Official Unofficial SLP Polling Statement.

So, without further ado, we present to you:

The Truth

Constant participation in SLP Polls is a good way to act like you are doing work the boss is paying you for while instead actually enjoying your limited time on this earth doing something actually worthwhile with a clear sense of purpose difficult to find through your official job, even after a (long) string of therapy sessions, which were ironically paid for by your health insurance obtained through your very work that caused the need for therapy in the first place—not the life circles Elton John had in mind. #NotAllGeometryIsGoodGeometry #QualityOverQuantity

The Truth’s Method

This was first discussed by Stanislavski. If you act in a way that you think looks outwardly like you are putting a lot of effort into your work, your actions will appear cheap and unbelievable: your boss will surely know that you are not doing real work and instead performing a useless action on the Other Internet like playing online solitaire.

Conversely, if you focus on something actually important, like voting in the World Famous Sweet Livin’ Productions World’s Best Bear Poll, then you will indeed be utilizing Stanislavski’s magical “if” because you will truly be immersed in another world, a better world where your vote really counts—every hour. So you will be acting without even consciously doing it and your boss will think, “This is a great employee, hard at work, who deserves a raise, more vacation days, and a better chair.”

And even if there is not currently sufficient funds in the new-chair budget, your boss will move money around to find you a more regal and ergonomically-correct chair that will help your chronic self-esteem and back problems.

The reason all of this will happen is because by participating in an SLP Poll you are in fact doing something of genuine great importance, more important than whatever your boss is allegedly paying you to do. You are not “acting” like you are concentrating hard in choosing the World’s Best Bear: you actually are concentrating and contemplating in order to make your voting decision that hour*.

*In SLP Polls, you can only vote once per hour in order to avoid internet bandwidth being overloaded #Thougtfulness, and clogged up like a public toilet—yes, sometimes it is difficult to differentiate the Other Internet from a public toilet (citation: the Other Internet content).

Avoid Self-Shame

You should never shame yourself for doing what’s right. You should never feel guilty about furthering democracy by voting hourly in SLP Polls.

If you begin to feel a tinge of guilt for not performing a responsibility technically in the job description you are being financially compensated for, stop feeling guilty. It is not your fault for doing your due diligence in your hourly Best Bear Ballot-Casting making your demeanor of intense concentration admirable in the eyes of your boss; it is your boss’s fault for assuming their organization has provided you with purposeful work on par with constant participation in SLP Polls.

And we all know what they say about assumptions.

Don’t Dwell On Assumptions

But this Official Unofficial SLP Polling Statement is not about what people say about assumptions. It is what people say on the street and around the water cooler. So, if you are every wondering what people are saying around the coffee pot (modern-day water cooler) when you are not there—this Official Unofficial Statement is what they are saying.

Anything else that comes out of their mouths is gossip and heresy. This is the truth.

Unofficially.

Avoid Awkwardness

Sometimes unsure what to say when you encounter someone on the street or at the water cooler? Do the moments of awkward silence give you anxiety? Fill the awkward silence and fit right in by reciting the above Official Unofficial SLP Polling Statement.