The Mount Rushmore

of

Microwavable Bacon

(Available at My Local Grocery Store)

Bacon is great. As is quick & easy. Combine those two concepts and now we’re sizzling. Quite literally.

In the form of microwavable bacon.

But when giving so many options at your local grocery store, how do you know which four boxes of microwavable bacon you should buy?

That’s where Mount Rushmores come in. That’s why artists exists: to make sense of the world. We bought all of this following bacon and taste-tested, so you don’t have to. #ScientifcProgress

No one would confuse this photograph with a Mount Rushmore. Obviously, some artistry needs to be done. But before we can get out the other art supplies, we need to note that there was one other “option” available at the local grocery store.

An insult.

Chicken bacon.

Look, pork is not normally our preferred meat: that honor goes to beef*.

But we are talking bacon here folks. You don’t eat bacon to be healthy. You don’t eat bacon to be godly. To eat bacon to be gluttonous, in an act that takes you further away from health and godliness, which you will likely have to repent for later through exercise and prayer. For if it is true that “you are what you eat,” eating bacon literally makes you “a pig,” which is slang for a gluttonous person (and a person with other negative qualities as well, but here we focus on the dietary gluttony).

For that reason, we did not purchase the chicken bacon. For that reason, the chicken bacon is not pictured here.

With all that in mind, it was time to get out the art tools, cooking utensils, and Mount Rushmore Construction equipment, which in a time like this are all one in the same:

This microwavable bacon tray is a must-have for anyone who cares about microwavable bacon and being able to start the cooking process at 4:31 PM without any bacon available to eat and then end the cooking process still at 4:31 PM with safely, deliciously microwaved bacon now ready for consumption. After repeating that process several times (eight, to be precise) and time elapsing beyond 4:31PM—but still safely before 5:00PM because of the punctuality of the microwave and the bacon—we ended up with The Mount Rushmore of Microwavable Bacon (Available at My Local Grocery Store):

(Going clockwise, starting at the top left):

The Store Brand It is now revealed that the local grocery store made famous in this Mount Rushmore is Hannaford. Their microwavable bacon made this mountainous Mount Rushmore through it no-nonsense packaging that translated effortlessly into its no-nonsense taste.

Nature’s Promise made a promise and delivered on it. We are not 100 percent clear what the promise is because “Free from” is in strangely large letters in comparison to whatever the phrase connects to. But we assume in this case it means to be “Free from chicken” or “Free from the tyranny of non-microwavable bacon” and definitely not “Free from taste”—as this bacon had more than enough taste to land itself on this Mount Rushmore.

Sugardale Ready Bacon It had me at hello more than Tom Cruise ever did. Consider the following script:

“Hello, are you ready for some bacon?”

“Yes, I am., Bacon: you had me at hello.”**

But it’s not just great greetings and salutations with this bacon. This bacon delivers on its promise that you can have bacon ready for you in five seconds. Five Seconds! That’s worth repeating—both in writing and in practice (which we did in constructing this Mount Rushmore).

So don’t ever tell us you don’t have time for microwavable bacon when it just takes five seconds. How many other dumber activities—like hiccupping, coughing, or sneezing—are you performing when you could have just made bacon instead?

Oscar Mayer Mega Pack First this great microwavable bacon had to beat out all its microwavable bacon brethren in the Oscar Mayer family, which it did by being the only Mega Pack in the group, which is in accordance with the gluttony of microwaving bacon. Why go small, when you can go bigger than big: Mega? There was some initial thought that none of the Oscar Mayers would make the Mount Rushmore because of their relationship with the New England Patriots through Kraft Foods, but this roadblock was overcome by its relationship to Heinz and thus the Pittsburgh Steelers. In the end, all of the gridiron competition where gunslingers toss around the ole’ pigskin (appropriate for this Mount Rushmore) might have made this the best microwavable bacon of the bunch. But it’s really hard to call anything the best on a Mount Rushmore, for Mount Rushmores are all about equality (for the four honored on it), not inequality (except for all of those not on it).

Microwavable Bacon Salad

Ingredients: Pure 100% Microwaved Bacon from The Great Microwavable Bacons pictured on The Mount Rushmore of Microwavable Bacon (Available at My Local Grocery Store)

More Microwavable Bacon Notes

AKA

*Bonus Culinary Tips*

The other non-Oscar Mayer microwavable bacon pictured in the first picture of raw, uncarved mountain of all the viable (authentic pork) microwavable bacon options available at my local grocer did not make the cut because while the bacon was high-quality and tasty, the packaging was just really too prestigious for the art of microwavable bacon and thus would not fit with the decor of this Mount Rushmore.

Non-microwavable bacon is so easy to cook, we must pause and consider the amazing society we live in that just did not rest when regular bacon was first invented but decided to take the next step in human progress.

One commonality to good microwavable bacon is the thinly-sliced nature, making the next big step in human evolution possibly the development of thicker-sliced good microwavable bacon.

Another commonality to good microwavable bacon is great taste.

If you partake in eating something like a microwavable bacon salad or delve into other microwavable bacon artistry, it is advisable that you—especially anyone over 30—prepare copious amounts of water to put at their bedside in case you wake up rather dehydrated in the middle of the night.

If you microwave cold coffee to reheat it after microwaving tons of bacon, you can get a kind of hint of bacon smell/flavor in your coffee. Potentially gross, but also potentially great.

Microwavable bacon is a cost-effective measure for someone who is struggling financially, but has a partner that wants you “to bring home the bacon.” #FreeAdvice #MicrowavableBaconCouldSaveMarriages

*The Beef Industry Council and Beef Board really did a great job instilling these values into our childish minds growing up in the early 90s with their heartwarming ads.

**Potential auditioning dialogue material for young, aspiring actors (mostly those with a gluttony problem).