Previous Hypothetical Bear Campaign #4

for

The World Famous Sweet Livin’ Productions World Best Bear Poll

Biologists can be a wild bunch–at least when it comes to hypothetical campaigns for World Famous Sweet Livin Productions’ World’s Best Bear Polls.  Of course biologists are under the larger umbrella of scientists in general who are often thought to be book smart, but not so adept socially.  Such stereotypes are so strong that they cannot be broken down by taking selfies at hip places Instagram influencers like. They can only be broken down by the strongest of actions: betting the farm–or betting the lab, in this case–on a World Famous Sweet Livin’ Productions World’s Best Bear Poll. (citation: Law of Inertia, Newton).

Here’s the scientific method for breaking down the stereotype of the Boring Biologist:

1) Two biologists get into an ongoing academic argument that spans various years and multiple scientific journals.

These is known as the Boring Stage. Neither of the biologists are getting laid at this point, so it advised that any wanted procreation should have already taken place.

2) The academic argument apparently comes to a stalemate and even other biologists start losing interest in it. But the rivalry between the two biologists continue and they must find another way to settle the score (that doesn’t involve murder, or even another lesser physical altercation that would also be classified as a criminal offense, because remember at this stage they are still boring biologists).

3) Research money becomes allegedly misappropriated–in this case, actually more properly appropriated–to large purchases on sweetlivinproductions.com of all kinds of Merch that was meant to influence adjustments in a World Famous Sweet Livin’ Productions World’s Best Bear Poll.

But did it influence the Poll?

No, no it did not (if you are a reader of good ethical standards or an aspiring investigative reporter looking for your big story).

Or:

Yes, it did (if you are a biologist or anyone really, looking to spend outrageous sums of money on Sweet Livin’ Merch in order to influence a bear Poll).   

So that is the Scientific Method for breaking down the stereotype of the Boring Biologist. It is much simpler and attainable than the more traditional, laborious, and boring Scientific Method.

With those important findings now established and made public for the first time here, we now can explore what happened (hypothetically) between this two once-boring-but-now-interesting biologists.

Unfortunately, like any good competition, there can only be one true winner.  So one scientist risked everything–his previously clean criminal record, his professional reputation, his comfortable bank account, and his favorite burette clamp–and won the Poll (to be clear, he still lost those previous things in this sentence that were not the Poll).  The other scientist also risked his previously clean criminal record, his professional reputation, his comfortable bank account, and his favorite burette clamp–and, unfortunately, also the Poll.  

But both of them, interestingly enough, got laid for the first time in years because of their bad-boy behavior and broke down stereotypes of biologists being boring, responsible, hardworking, nonviolent people who help better the world but are not so great in bed.  So can you really call either of them losers in this case?  

Yes, the one who lost the Poll is a loser.   

You may be wondering, and rightly so, which scientist supported which bear? 

The scientist who won supported the Polar Bear, which caused claims of “corporate sellout” from the other biologist because Polar Bears have teamed up with Coca-Cola–or “sold out” to Coca-Cola, as the losing biologist saw it.  In regards to the glacier melting from climate change affecting Polar Bears, this losing scientist (feeling empowered to talk about beds because he had routinely had a woman in his bed for the first time in years) said, “the Polar Bears made their corporate bed, now they must lie in it.” 

As you can imagine, such inflammatory remarks about cute Polar Bears did not play well with the public.   

The scientist that lost supported the extinct Atlas Bear.  First looked at as gutsy, populist choice, this scientist, who we will call Dr. Loser to avoid any type of inflammatory statements to a specific biologist, quickly became at a distinct disadvantage because of the fact that his extinct choice could not appear in Coca-Cola commercials (one might say they could have been animated, but then the public would have had to be educated about their existence and who would sign the releases and contracts?  An extinct bear, cannot sign anything, afterall).  

Many speculate that such disadvantage early in the campaign caused Dr. Loser to become desperate, leading to the above inflammatory remarks that doomed him even after he made large purchases of Sweet Livin’ Bottle Openers, which did not raise any red flags with the Federal Elections Commission, probably because they (might) take the stance that people should be buying Sweet Livin’ Bottle Openers in bulk and that is the type of society we should live in–or, as those within the FEC who disagree that huge purchases of Sweet Livin’ Bottle Openers would metamorph us directly into a utopian society might put it, Sweet Livin’ Bottle Openers having a monopoly on the bottle opener market would at least bring us one step closer to utopia.  

Baby steps, as they like to say.  

But these wouldn’t actually be baby steps.  These would be bear steps.  Much bigger and thus much more progress, making us a much better society and much closer to utopia than babies and their small steps would.  Changing diapers all day is not utopia.  That’s why bears don’t change diapers.  Evolution.     

In the end, Dr. Loser was able to soothe his pain by using a Sweet Livin’ Bottle Opener to open a drink that helped him forget his failures and inadequacies while also drowning his sorrows.  

The moral of this hypothetical campaign story is that the World Famous Sweet Livin’ Productions World’s Best Bear Poll is so strong with so much Sweet Livin’ embedded in it that even a dirty, rotten, Polar Bear-hating antagonist like Dr. Loser gets a little Sweet Livin’ in the end.   And here at Sweet Livin’ Productions, we like a happy ending.    

If you want a happy ending in your own life, vote now in a real World Famous Sweet Livin’ Productions World’s Best Bear Poll.  

It should be noted, that the Atlas Bear still waits for another, better person than Dr. Loser, to come along and support it in a campaign, allowing it to win a World Famous Sweet Livin’ Productions World’s Best Bear Poll, which could cause a cataclysmic shift in the biological thinking that currently assumes species cannot come back from extinction. If you could bring an animal back from extinction, would it be be worth millions—or even billions—to do it?

Once that is accomplished, the same scientific principle perhaps could then be applied to bring cartoon to bears back from their extinction caused by cancelled television programs.

With the World Famous Sweet Livin’ Productions World’s Best Bear Polls, the hypothetical possibilities are endless.