Previous Hypothetical Bear Campaign #21

for

The World Famous Sweet Livin’ Productions World Best Bear Poll

It all started with a humble hypothetical flight attendant hypothetically named Marieta. 

She wanted her favorite bear to win a World Famous Sweet Livin’ Productions World Best Bear Poll.  That’s why she became a flight attendant in the first place: to spread the truth to the world.

And the truth was her favorite bear was the best. 

Everywhere she went–whether Des Moines, Iowa or London, England or an unnamed, essentially hypothetical city of great Russian literature–she would talk about her favorite bear.  So naturally and obviously, more and more people—named, unnamed, and essentially hypothetical—knew about her favorite bear.

With time, Marieta’s favorite bear became well-known.

This was progress.

But it was not enough for Marieta.  She yearned for her favorite bear to be more than known—she wanted her favorite bear to be loved, which could only be evidenced through its victory in the World Famous Sweet Livin’ Productions World’s Best Bear Poll, for no other comparable metric exists to judge such love of bears (and there’s really only one other comparable metric regarding love at all).

So this became a dilemma, a quandary of sorts (Heller, Joseph): the favorite bear needs to win the World Famous Sweet Livin’ Productions World’s Best Bear Poll to gain the proper love, but also needs to be loved to win the World Famous Sweet Livin’ Productions World’s Best Bear Poll.

So it was up to Marieta to garner that necessary layer of love for her favorite bear and churn out the votes, like the good, trustworthy, powerful political machines of old.

Sometimes, like the good, trustworthy, powerful political machines of old, you have to step it up a notch to get things done.  And sometimes, like the good, trustworthy, powerful political machines of old, you have to bend the rules to step it up a notch. 

So Marieta used her experience as a flight attendant (with which such aviation knowledge provided her intrinsic insights into Catch-22 quandaries without even ever having to have had read the book—but hypothetically she did anyway during a long layover, extended by poor weather causing substantial delays) by stepping it up a notch and giving first class snacks to business class passengers and business class snacks to main cabin passengers.  Now, she was not just giving away granola bars to a cheap-ticketed passengers; with each granola she also gave away a little fact, knowledge, or tidbit about her favorite bear.  With this, the love for her favorite bear spread.  

But it had not spread far and fast enough for her favorite bear to win a World Famous Sweet Livin’ Productions World’s Best Bear Poll (it did finish in the Top Ten that hypothetical year we know only the first two digits of, like the great Russian literature of old).  For that to be accomplished, for that podium of highest elevation above sea level to reached, she had to step it up another notch.  

Sometimes you need more than a granola bar for that. 

Sometimes you need more advanced carbohydrates.  

Alcohol.  

She started slipping free airline-sized mini liquor bottles to business class and main class passengers that would normally be reserved for first class.  Again, she was not just giving them a chance to relax miles up in the sky and possibly say ill-advised things to their travelling companions through consumption of cheap composite wine (or its similarly produced liquor cousins) they would never go near at lower altitudes but cherished so high up in the clouds: she was also giving them knowledge and fun facts about her favorite bear. 

And we know two things about drunk people:  

1) They like to talk.  So they spread the love about Marieta’s favorite bear.  

2) They love to vote often in the World Famous Sweet Livin’ Productions World’s Best Bear Poll—even if it means paying a little extra money for high-altitude internet.

With these direct and indirect impacts in doing good in the world, the world became a better place by more and more people being aware–with love–of Marieta’s favorite bear.  

But it was still not enough to win the World Famous Sweet Livin’ Productions World’s Best Bear Poll.   The Poll was becoming extraordinary popular in this hypothetical time, this redacted year of the 19th century—a common practice at the time, self-redaction, at times possibly to avoid libel, which we are in no danger of here because anyone associated with these esteemed and distinguished polls only has the possible probability of riding the coattails of the prestigious Polls’ prestige; such propensity for redactivity could also be for reasons of increasing suspense or universality, which is not necessary here either as our polls are already suspenseful—in the best of ways—and highly universal, in the best of ways, like love (that of which is requited).

With such great popularity may come great responsibility, but the next relevant effect to speak of here is the resulting great competitiveness—the Poll was getting very competitive–more competitive than the Olympics or World Cup or your local Fantasy Football league. And so more needed to be done to win the Poll and make the world a better place (as mentioned in an above paragraph, the world had gotten better with Marieta’s efforts, but there were still wars and stuff).  

A coworker saw Marieta’s efforts, and started doing the same thing. 

Before long, all of the flight attendants at the airline where doing the good actions Marieta was doing.  

But it was still not enough.  

But soon it would be.  

One of Marieta’s fellow flight attendants mentioned Marieta’s good deeds to a gate agent at one of their stops.  The gate agent decided to provide complimentary upgrades to passengers with the additional bonus of showing a beautiful photo of Marieta’s favorite bear.  

Passengers loved this, the gate agent got great scores on the passengers’ post-flight surveys, and soon all gate agents were doing this.  

Marieta’s favorite bear was becoming the favorite of many.  But still not enough to win a World Famous Sweet Livin’ Productions World’s Best Bear Poll, for the Poll had become ultra-competitive in this arcadia-like hypothetical era in global history when everyone was obsessed with kind acts and participating feverishly in the World Famous Sweet Livin’ Productions World’s Best Bear Poll.  

Luckily, Marieta’s love for her bear was spreading like a good pandemic throughout the airline.  Suddenly, the ticket agents were waiving bag fees and telling passengers about Marieta’s favorite bear.  

Goodness spread.  

Soon, the company’s CEO caught the bear-loving fever, and waved all ticketing fees.  In other words, all tickets were free.  Beautiful footage of Marieta’s favorite bear was shown on all flights and that bear did eventually win the World Famous Sweet Livin’ Productions World’s Best Bear Poll.  

That is also how that airline went bankrupt.  

It was the only hypothetical airline of the time and thus this is why airlines are so absent from 19th century literature, regardless where you look in the global arts, unless perhaps they were hidden those redacted crevices where authors feared getting laughed at by the public for such seemingly absurd aviation discussion before it time, just like those redacted areas are sure to widely discuss the World Famous Sweet Livin’ Productions World’s Best Bear Poll with such forward-thinking visionary well ahead of its time.

So while all of this caused the airline industry to stall for a little bit—a century or so—it also created a lot of redacted areas in great novels for hypothetical literature professors to study, research, and ultimately use to obtain tenure and feed their families without fear of having to suddenly move to a new area to get a new lowly-paid untenured professor job and cause their kids to change school systems and start all over with the friend-making process, such upheaval that would possibly haunt their development and cause barriers in them ever making successful long-term relationships, whether romantic or platonic, in their adulthood.

It is also how the Grizzly Bear is widely known around the world today, for that was Marieta’s favorite bear.   

After this story enters the public domain, future societies are free to use this in anthologies as a cultural artifact for how great the world was when people were obsessed with kindness and the World Famous Sweet Livin’ Productions World’s Best Bear Poll.  Maybe they can then use this as a blueprint of sorts for recreating the ideal society.  “For Utopia,” as they once said during this hypothetical time period, “Is only as far away as your nearest Grizzly Bear.” 

As we are freely, here and now with these very current words, place this wonderful story in the public domain, free for others to share in the here and now, current societies are free to use this in anthologies as a cultural artifact for how great the world hypothetically is when people are obsessed with kindness and the World Famous Sweet Livin’ Productions World’s Best Bear Poll.  Maybe they can then use this as a blueprint of sorts for recreating the ideal society globally.  “For Utopia,” as they once said in the above paragraph, “Is only as far away as your nearest Grizzly Bear.”

Do not redact utopia!

Vote in the World Famous Sweet Livin’ Productions World’s Best Bear Poll.

Marieta is currently happily unemployed.