Our NFL Draft Philosophy

 

In recent years, the NFL Draft has become the most important thing in the world. To be clear, not only the sports world--but the whole entire world. Yes, it gets better ratings than actual important sporting events--the NBA playoffs, NFL playoffs, baseball season, Masters, etc. But it also has become more popular, perhaps, than popular card-buying holidays like Valentine’s Day and Mother’s Day (metric of evidence pending). As such, check out our very helpful Happy Draft Day template messages.

But more importantly than that, considering the importance of the NFL Draft, and that everyone seems to have a philosophy of how to draft--football people, Mel Kiper Jr., and fans alike--we felt it important and necessary to establish our draft philosophy.

And also offer transparency regarding it. We certainly do not want to be hiding anything or submerging our draft feelings (citation: advice from therapists).

Before we unveil our draft philosophy, let us take a moment to review some existing prevalent draft philosophies.

Oakland Raiders: Draft fast wide receivers as early and as often as possible.

Kings of Leon: Open for NFL Draft.

Bill Belichick: Act as loan shark, trading current picks for future picks or higher picks for lower picks at heavy interest.

Cleveland Browns draft strategy: Do not watch Kevin Costner movie about your team and the NFL draft and thus make mistakes in real life (i.e.Johnny Manziel) that Kevin Costner avoids in the movie.

Mel Kiper Jr.: Yell.

New York Jets fans: Boo.

All NFL Teams: Treat the value of draft picks like a new car. Put all of your money into a draft pick, but treat any player drafted with that same pick as immediately worth substantially less than the draft pick itself--just like the value plummets on a new car once it is driven off of the lot.

Pittsburgh Steelers: “Take best player available.”

Cincinnati Bengals: “Take best Southwestern Ohio player available” because who wants to pay for a proper scouting department that requires money to travel?

The issue with most of these philosophies is that they are one-trick ponies.

You might say, “Hey, I like all ponies, what is the problem with a pony that does just one trick? Bill Belichik is a legendary coach, don’t question him.”

Well yes, Bill Belichik is a legendary coach, and a legendary loan shark as noted above who has a history of blurring the lines between success and integrity. But he is not actually a great drafter. Yes, he is great at accumulating picks and ripping off desperate teams in trades, but what he does with those picks is actually mediocre. If he had a more robust draft philosophy, like we are about to reveal, he would do better.

The Steelers are indeed not only the greatest sports organization of all time, but also one of the greatest organizations of any variety to ever grace this earth. Yet their stated philosophy of drafting the “best player available” is actually mixed with drafting for need (evidence: their draft history and their need history). Having a multi-faceted draft approach is one of the keys to their success.

And thus such multifacetism is the key to our approach.

 Our NFL Draft Philosophy:

  1. Avoid players who stock rises at the combine. If they were 6’4 and muscular and fast and could jump high at the combine, then they were also 6’4 and muscular and fast and could jump high in college. So why did they not play better on the football field?

  2. Drink heavily during the draft.

  3. Do not drink composite wine during the draft. But if you do drink composite wine, do not go back for seconds. Hemingway referred to “utilizing the wine” in The Sun Also Rises. He did not refer to “utilizing the composite wine.” If you want to find out why, do so at your own risk. There is a reason composite bats are illegal in Major League Baseball. They are dangerous.

  4. Draft dynamic players at undervalued positions. Warren Buffett basically said that he treats investments like a preschooler treats “opposite day” (warning: heavy paraphrase). That is, he does the opposite of what current trends are because it is wise investing. Likewise, all positions on the football field are important. While it is true that some may be more important than others (left tackle, quarterback), all positions on the field are important. If you can get a badass safety or running back, one that could be a perennial Pro Bowler or even Hall of Famer, take them in the first round. Who cares? Basically, do what other teams are not doing. You can win the Super Bowl with mediocre tackles, but a bruising interior line. The Ravens and Steelers won Super Bowls with legendary safeties Troy Polamalu and Ed Reed and serviceable corners. Ballers ball out, regardless of their position.

  5. Play a lot of Tecmo Bowl and Tecmo Super Bowl during the draft if possible.

  6. If you like smoking cigars, smoke a cigar during the draft.

  7. If you like smoking weed, pack a bowl or two for the draft--it is long.

  8. Remember that the draft is a trilogy, so you may need to do some of these latter activities more as the draft progresses: sequels can suck.

  9. If you ever grade an NFL Draft, remember that you are making a joke. No one knows what the hell is going on during the Draft.

By incorporating these core tenets into your NFL Draft expertise, you too can have a successful draft--one that might be graded as an A. But remember that it is all just a big joke.