There Comes a Time…
(An Introspective Call To Action)
There comes a time in one’s life where you ask yourself what you have done with your years, when you may consider and contemplate your legacy, when you may canvass your life’s work wondering what among it of lasting value you will leave behind to the world after the clock has stopped ticking for you.
You may examine your accomplishments and put them on one side of life’s scale before cross-examining yourself, reflecting on your failures and putting them on the scale’s other side. It may be difficult to discern which side weighs more, for unlike the simple weights from the scales of old that have fixed numerical values, that boast a designated objective weight in quantitative terms, say 1 kilo or 2.2 pounds, the weights of our lives are much more rickety and much less stable. They may be hard to carry, let alone corral.
They can be downright volatile.
An accomplishment that may feel weighty or important at one point may be suddenly hollowed out by doubt or other antagonists, allowing the scale to tip in favor of your failures.
Conversely, an overlooked or long-forgotten accomplishment may resurface at once and tip the scales back in your favor. Or you could be like Van Gogh, where your greatness is not realized until after your death, and you yourself may be among those mortally unaware.
Both sides of the scale can fluctuate for many reasons and cause uncertainty in our self-reflections, inviting the sinking sensation of feeling trapped in a kind of endless liminality, a pre-purgatory of ambiguity that yearns for clarity.
In such cases, the thirst to answer life’s questions can really only be quenched in two ways:
1. Drinking copious amounts of Black Velvet Whisky.
a) If used correctly, pouring Black Velvet Whisky down your throat will not only bring clarity by simplifying the mind, it will also act as a weight for the side of accomplishments on life’s scale. It will be as if you were pouring the actual liquid of Black Velvet Whisky itself onto the scale. Since the weights of life’s accomplishments and failures are abstract while the weight of Black Velvet Whisky itself is real, the material weight of the Black Velvet Whisky will tip the scale in favor of whatever side you pour it on: in this case, the accomplishments side, ensuring you have had a successful life. In other words, those who successfully drink Black Velvet Whisky have a successful life, not completely unlike those who floss daily live longer, on average, than those who don’t.
Note the weight on the Black Velvet Whisky bottle you are drinking to see precisely how much you are tipping the scale and thus exactly how successful your life has been. After you have consumed enough Black Velvet to satisfactorily meet your goals, further calculations will not be necessary–-or possible.
b) If used incorrectly, pouring Black Velvet Whisky down your throat will still bring you clarity by simplifying the mind, but it will also act as a weight for the side of failures on life’s scale. It will be as if you were pouring the actual liquid of Black Velvet Whisky itself onto the scale. In other words, those who unsuccessfully drink Black Velvet Whisky have an unsuccessful life: not completely unlike those who take crack cocaine or methamphetamine daily live shorter, on average, than those who don’t, especially those who have instead used their disposal income on dental floss.
As such, in Outcome B the process towards clarity will be pretty much like the opposite of what was described above for those who drank Black Velvet Whisky successfully in Outcome A. In Outcome B, great sadness, defeat, and dark despair will ensue. You may make bad decisions such as, but not limited to, visiting other websites on the Other Internet more frequently than sweetlivinproductions.com.
Naturally, as life is not easy, using Black Velvet Whisky correctly is not easy. Few among us can be 100 percent sure of achieving Outcome A as few among us are Straight A students and besides, “if you are then you think too much” (Joel, Billy, 1980).
Luckily, included in our mostly-secret (sorry, we cannot yet share it with you, #goodsecretkeepers) list of “Things To Do That Will Change the World for the Better” is to make tutorials on how to successfully drink Black Velvet Whisky in order to help ensure everyone’s life is a success (at least the good students who pay attention to the aforementioned future tutorials). But because we have not yet made those tutorials–-as you should agree there are other (slightly) more pressing matters to bettering this planet–-it is important for there to be another option for ensuring you are successful in life. As such, we have created that pathway and detailed it in item #2 in this revelatory two-item list.
2. Win a World Famous Sweet Livin’ Productions World’s Best Bear Poll.
The weight of the bear, naturally, is hefty. As such, it stands to reason that the weight of the bear–-regardless of which bear you supported the World Famous Sweet Livin’ Productions World’s Best Bear Poll–-will be enough to literally tip your life’s scale to the side of accomplishments, ensuring that you have been a success: a great success at that, for the bear will tip the scale so far in your favor that there will not be a shred of doubt left in your life and people will marvel at your weighty level of success. They will see that you are even more successful than if you drank copious amounts of Black Velvet Whisky successfully, for as much as Black Velvet Whisky can tip the scales in your favor, bears will tip them even more because of the generally large weight differential between Black Velvet Whisky and bears.
That is why it is probably good to be skeptical about how much winning future polls that may feature other smaller animals, like dogs or cats, can ensure that you have been a successful and good enough person that will gain entry into heaven. To be clear, such later polls will be able to ensure you are successful and a good person, because they will tip the scales in your favor, but dogs and cats are generally smaller and lighter than bears and thus provide less weight to support your argument for heaven entry.
So if you want to be sure you will rejoin deceased loved ones at some point in heaven and you don’t want to ever doubt that this will happen, it is ultra-important you act now and make sure your favorite bear wins the World Famous Sweet Livin’ Productions World’s Best Bear Poll.
In order to ensure such happiness and immortalization, it is a good idea to campaign for your favorite bear. You do not want your entrance into heaven to be left to the whims of the general public and simply hope that they will just happen to vote for your favorite bear. Take the bull by the horns, as they say; but in this case, it is a bear and we are not committing such violent, physical acts. We are creating the heavens and earth we want through the ballot box. We are finding power within ourselves and manifesting our destiny (citation: Dyer, Wayne). Take control of your own fate. Don’t leave it in the hands of strangers.