A Metaphorical Mount Rushmore Mention

Mount Rushmores do not normally feature honorable mentions. For what Honorable Mention President is on the Mount Rushmore* in South Dakota, carved somewhere on the base of the mountain or wherever such Honorable Mentions would go?

So neither do we with our Mount Rushmores (at least up to this point, before we decide to change our minds by evolving with and/or ahead of the times).

And yes, things are different here when we are talking about the Mount Rushmores of Pittsburgh Bridges, for we all know that all presidents have their faults, many more so than the Great Pittsburgh Bridges. They (the flawed presidents) are only human of course, not bridges.

But even for the Great Pittsburgh Bridges, we will not make exceptions here.

We must maintain the structural integrity of the Bridges.

So this is not your grandfather’s honorable mention.

Because it is not an honorable mention at all.

But it is honorable—in fact, more honorable than the honorable mention your grandfather may have earned in the pie-eating contest or whatever they did in the olden days.

This is a metaphorical mention.

As a metaphorical mention is more honorable than your grandfather’s honorable mention (not your grandfather’s honor itself, to be clear, though it might be, to be further clear), such metaphorical mention must be executed with great care and great responsibility as befitting of such engineering, both of (the world’s finest) Bridges and Mount Rushmores.

So it is with the greatest care and consideration that we offer the Great Metaphorical Bridges of Pittsburgh the most honorable metaphorical mention on these most honorable, real (though virtual, yes, but also real, yes) Mount Rushmores.

The metaphorical bridge takes us from one spot in life to another, from one metaphor to another. Let’s say you don’t like where you are in life: take a metaphorical bridge to somewhere else, and then indeed you are metaphorically somewhere else, much cheaper than therapy or hiring an expensive moving company to go across the country.

Or worse yet, try to do all the moving yourself and cripple yourself with a debilitating back injury that takes years of chiropractic appointments to try and heal, but never does, instead causing you to get addicted to painkillers, eventually finding yourself in a dingy third-world opium den**.

No, avoid lower back pain that has you up at night haunted by sleazy late-night infomercials offering bullshit solutions to your pain.

The metaphorical bridge takes you from a sleazy, third-rate opium den broadcasting sleazy third-rate infomercials at night featuring sleazy, third-rate fake late-night hosts to the most beautiful place you could ever want to go in your life, which could change from person to person, but is probably some webpage on the sweetest internet the world has ever known, sweetlivinproductions.com.

Yes, the metaphorical Pittsburgh Bridge has more than done its job once again. It has saved your life without even taking you to an annoying place like a hospital.

*Of course, Arthur J. Rooney II, President of Pittsburgh Steelers Football Operations should be, but of course politics is a nasty business full of corruption and oversight.

**Not derogatory to less economically well-doing countries; this opium den is in the United States, but is described as “third-world” because it is not as well-manicured as its more developed, higher fossil-fuel consuming and more expensive “first-world” opium dens in a similar geographical location. In this way, when it comes to opium dens, it’s not “latitude” it’s “attitude.”